Mariah Carey – Still Fabulous at 44

To celebrate her birthday Martyn Hett looks back over Mariah Carey’s incredible career to show us why she’s still fabulous.

By on 27 March, 2014 Filed in Music

Today marks a very special day in the homosexual calendar. It’s the birthday (or ‘anniversary’ as she would have you call it) of diva extraordinaire, Mariah Carey.

Mariah is turning the grand old age of 44, and with it, marking her 24th year of releasing music. Whilst her chart positions may not be what they used to be (her most recent single reaching the dizzy heights of 88 on the billboard hot 100), she remains as fabulous as ever in her own special way.

You may remember that many moons ago, I wrote an article on the numerous reasons everybody should love Mariah Carey. Well this, ladies and gentlemen, is my sequel, because I know you’re thirsty for more.

Let’s start with the stats

If I were to cook a Mariah pie, or perhaps even a Mariah Curry (see what I did there?) the ingredients would be the type you could only source at specialist shops located in obscure locations. The method? Start with a 5-octave range and sprinkle it with sales of over 200 million. Throw in 18 #1s and leave to simmer until you have the world record for the longest time spent at #1. Season with the fact she’s written all her own music (and we’re not talking Beyonce-add-a-word-and-take-a-credit written, we’re talking actually written) and place in the oven to BAKE YOUR FAVES TO A CRISP BECAUSE THEY COULD NEVER.

Her Eminem shade out-shaded all other shade she’s ever thrown

Those who are familiar with Mariah will know by now that she throws more shade than a sycamore tree. Her quick and cleverly crafted put-downs are second to none, and everybody from J Lo to Madonna has been at the receiving end of her golden tongue of doom. But Mariah truly outdid herself recently when she went on Watch What Happens Live! and showed the audience that 0.3 milliseconds is enough time for her to concoct a shade-filled stroganoff fit for a king.

Her album names are incredible

You’ll never catch Mariah doing an Adele and simply naming her albums after her age (mainly because a butterfly dies every time somebody mentions the fact that she’s in her 40s). Hell no! Mariah’s album titles are part of the album’s process, and are incredibly well thought out. When she moved on from her one-word-wonders such as Rainbow, Glitter and Charmbracelet, she brought us The Emancipation of Mimi. Following on from the album’s gargantuan success, she named her next album e=mc2. Why? Apparently it was in reference to the fact that she was serving us a platter of “Mariah Carey, emancipated, to the power of 2”. Later that night, Mariah opened her CV in Microsoft Word and added ‘visionary’ and ‘master of physics’ to her list of skills.

Her cover of Auld Lang Syne is both terrible and incredible in equal measures

Mariah decided in 2010 that she wanted to cater to the ‘New Year’ audience, resulting in the most incredibly Eurotrash and low budget song/video combination of all time. Perhaps it was the pregnancy hormones? Perhaps she was bluffing us all and parodying herself? Or perhaps we should stop over-thinking it, pretend it’s December 31st, knock back some Bucks Fizz and enjoy the greatest 4 minutes and 5 seconds you will ever see:

She’s responsible for the most incredible lyric of all time

The problem with insults in songs nowadays is that they’re far too obvious. Anybody can call somebody a ‘bitch’ or a ‘hoe’. Mariah prefers to be a little more creative when discussing her inferior beings, and in 2005 we were presented with the greatest lyric of all time: “them chickens is ash and I’m lotion”. PREACH. 

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Christmas is her crack

Mariah is ridiculous when it comes to Christmas. I could not confine it to a single paragraph, but luckily, I’ve already written an entire article about it. (It’s becoming apparent that I may also have a problem…)

She completely over-uses the word ‘moments’

Hardcore fans like myself will have known for years that Mariah enjoys the word ‘moments’, but thanks to a compilation video put together by somebody with too much time on their hands, the non-Mariah fans have had a slice of the action. It’s a bizarre habit, and one of her many loveable quirks, and if you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years and haven’t seen the video, I demand you watch it at once:

She can go on a tangent like no other

In a recent interview with a presenter who had about as much charisma as my big toe, Mariah was asked a question that was more than likely generic and dull. How did Mariah respond? She spent an awkwardly long amount of time (almost 5 full minutes) talking about her dogs for absolutely no reason. It really is a must-watch.

She knows she’s ridiculous and that’s what makes her incredible

The British media are pretty unfair on Mariah, and people in this country don’t really get her. Despite what most people think, she’s not an awful diva, she’s actually incredibly funny. She’s also not afraid to send herself up, and when she hosted the Friday Night Project in 2008, hilarity ensued in the shape of a song centred on her ‘diva demands’:

To conclude… THE SLINGS.

Whilst dislocating her shoulder was probably not the best thing that’s ever happened to Mariah, it was certainly the best thing that happened to the rest of the world. Why? Because it resulted in an array of fabulously over the top, ridiculous slings. Only Mariah…

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Martyn Hett

Often described as a 'one man hen night', Martyn is a twenty-something northerner addicted to all things low-culture. With a penchant for 90s divas, his life peaked when he met Mariah Carey. Other than that, Martyn's only other achievement in life is creating a compilation video of Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street which went viral.

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