Roy Ward brings you his top 7 reasons why Brian Blessed is the best human of all time.
Brian Blessed is probably one of the greatest human beings ever to walk upon the face of the earth. I’ve long considered starting my own religion, based around the dual figures of Blessed and Neil Patrick Harris. I’ve not really worked much on my theology yet, but basically they are both perfect and as such they require worship and/or human sacrifices. Watch this space.
Yes, I know Brian Blessed seems absolutely off his rocker, bounding around TV appearances shouting “GORDON’S ALIVE” and screaming obscenities – but there’s so much more to him than that. He’s 76, and he’s done a tonne of amazing things in his life, but he’s showing no signs of slowing down. Here are seven reasons why his birthday should be some kind of national holiday.
Brian Blessed vs. Space
Brian Blessed has recently completed his cosmonaut training and will be going to the International Space Station next year. Because clearly the only thing greater than Brian Blessed is BRIAN BLESSED IN SPACE.
Brian Blessed vs. Polar Bear
He is the oldest man ever to reach the North Pole and the Magnetic North Pole. Whilst there, he punched a polar bear – and I’m quoting the man himself directly here – “straight in its fucking face.”
Brian Blessed vs. Everest
He’s climbed Everest three times but has never reached the summit. When asked last year about his five year plan, he told The Independent that he intended to try again and become the oldest man ever to do so. “It will show that everything is possible.” I’m giving most other British pensioners major side-eye right now. If Brian Blessed can climb Everest in his seventies, the rest of you could maybe walk a bit faster around town, okay?
Brian Blessed vs. The Dalai Lama
He’s good friends with His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and sparred with him in a boxing ring after they bonded during an expedition. Not impressed? Get back to me when your favourite celebrity boxes with a religious leader. I look forward to reports of Britney Spears bitchslapping the Pope.
Brian Blessed vs. Peppa Pig
His career is extensive, varied and amazing. He’s been in Blackadder, Star Wars and Doctor Who. He’s played Shakespearean kings, Roman emperors and a rabbit in Peppa Pig. His dramatic range knows no bounds.
Brian Blessed vs. Grace Jones
In the mid-nineties he recorded a voiceover for a (terrible) British animated movie, Freddie as F.R.O.7. It’s an atrocious movie, but does feature Blessed as an evil genius with a pet snake that’s actually a centuries-old evil French sorceress (bear with me, it’s about to get awesome), whose singing voice is provided by none other than Grace Jones. Gaze upon it, ye mighty, and despair.
Brian Blessed vs. Roy
As a child, I met Brian Blessed when he was reopening the elephant house at Chester Zoo. I got his autograph and mentioned that I was a massive Star Wars fan. He made this noise for me.
Life’s been basically all downhill since there.
I love you, Brian Blessed.