10 Reasons Everybody Should Love Mariah Carey

Martyn Hett’s 10 reasons why everybody should love Mariah. She remains fabulous by simply being Mariah, and he wouldn’t have her any other way.

By on 15 May, 2013 Filed in Television

It’s often said that every gay has their favourite diva, and I am no exception to this rule. My obsession with Mariah Carey reached its peak in 2012 when I camped outside her hotel for 5 hours and got her to sign a home-made t-shirt. She noticed I’d made it myself, told me she loved it, signed it and told me I was very sweet.

I was left hyperventilating and crying on a nearby pavement, so badly that a car actually stopped to ask what was going on. But far too often I find myself having to explain to people WHY she is so amazing. Yes there’s the 5 octave vocal range, yes there’s the 13 albums worth of incredible songs she’s written… but most of all, I love her because she is MARIAH. To help you understand, I’ve compiled a list of ten reasons why everybody should love Mariah Carey. It is compulsory.

 

1) She’s the queen of subtle shade

With her recent stint on American Idol, Mariah has found herself embroiled in a heated feud with ‘rapper’ Nicki Minaj. Last week, Nicki got back behind her keyboard of rage and went on one of her usual nonsensical tweet rants about Mariah. It was filled to the brim with text slang – but after getting my 12 year old sister to translate, I realised it wasn’t very pretty. Shortly after, Mariah simply responded with one word: ‘can’t’. She’s the epitome of passive aggressive shade, and somebody on YouTube has been kind enough to compile her best moments – my favourite being the interview in 2001 in which she pretended not to know who J Lo is.

2) She’s incredibly festive

Despite her extensive fortune, Mariah spent the majority of her pregnancy selling ridiculously tacky clothing on an American shopping channel. As well as the hilarity of the items themselves (trainers with heels. TRAINERS WITH HEELS), the most entertaining part of this bizarre venture was Mariah’s endless ramblings about nothing. Given that she can’t have been drinking alcohol, she must’ve downed a whole cup of crazy and snorted a few lines of glitter before she went on air, because she spent the entire time telling the camera crew how to ensure they get the best side of her face, and repeating herself every two minutes. Exhibit A below:

3) Her extravagance knows no bounds

It’s no secret that Mariah is filthy rich. With a net worth of $500m, she has enough money to set on fire in the winter to help heat her LA mansion. Despite her endless philanthropic work, Mariah is not afraid to splash the cash on herself. In one of her latest music videos, she was bronzed to perfection by being sprayed with real gold. Unnecessary? Maybe. Fabulous? DEFINITELY. Her greatest spending spree of all time was definitely in April 2013, in which she renewed her wedding vows for the 4th time with Nick Cannon by shutting down the whole of Disneyland. Arriving in a crystal pumpkin carriage, she sauntered down the aisle which was decorated with 15,000 blooms imported from South Africa and Holland and scattered with 10,000 crystals. The only thing missing was a unicorn sprayed with real gold to fly her back home (assisted by 10,000 diamond-encrusted butterflies of course).

4) She’s not afraid to push a backing singer out of the way

mariah move bitch

5) She’s scared of one side of her face

Mariah is pretty fearless when it comes to most things, but one thing she’s terrified of is the right side of her face. Often brought up in interviews, Mariah blames the fear on her emotionally abusive ex-husband. In the video below, Mariah awkwardly strains her neck so much that it’s a surprise her head didn’t fall off altogether.

6) Her weight fluctuates. ALL THE TIME.

As somebody who constantly spends my time getting fat, then losing far too much weight, then putting it all back on again – it’s refreshing to see that Mimi is just like me. She can go from a rake to a glitter-covered elephant in the space of a week:

mariah weight

7) She conveys every emotion via the medium of song, even anger

At a recent concert there appeared to be some technical issues backstage. Mariah couldn’t hear herself through her earpiece – and what ensued was the greatest 2 minutes of diva-bitch improvisation I’ve ever witnessed. I really think if she’d put this on iTunes, she could’ve scored her 19th number 1.

8) She loves the gays, but not too much

Mariah is very aware that the gays play a huge part in her gargantuan success. She recently invited a gay couple on stage at one of her concerts for a relatively cringeworthy marriage proposal. But you won’t catch her doing a Lady Gaga. Hell no. Instead of writing patronising songs about being ‘born this way’ and cashing in her pink pounds, Mariah simply insists that whilst she understands she’s had a lot of support from the gay community, she doesn’t like to treat her gay fans as a separate entity. Bravo Mariah.

9) She sometimes wears terrible outfits and it’s really funny

Mariah usually looks fabulous. Her recent Tom Ford binge has seen her looking the best she’s looked in years. But often she gets it wrong. Very very wrong. Below I have compiled my 6 favourite terrible outfits: the pastel infused half-outfit, the risqué side-boob, the WWE wrestler in a picnic blanket, the 90s hooker on a ski trip, the blamanche and the slutty butterfly.

mariah bad outfits

10) She expresses gratitude via the use of glitter

In what can only be described as the greatest moment of Mariah’s career, she recently ‘glitter-bombed’ an American Idol contestant to express how much she enjoyed her performance. Even after her box-office fail of 2001 (the infamous Glitter), Mariah is still determined to associate herself with everything that glitters. And why not? Especially when it results in television gold such as this:

mariah glitter

 

Even if Mariah’s angelic whistle notes don’t send you to another dimension, there’s no denying that she’s one of the greatest divas of our time. In an era where artists such as Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga rely on endless gimmicks and silly costumes – Mariah remains fabulous by simply being Mariah, and I wouldn’t have her any other way.

 

Martyn Hett

Often described as a 'one man hen night', Martyn is a twenty-something northerner addicted to all things low-culture. With a penchant for 90s divas, his life peaked when he met Mariah Carey. Other than that, Martyn's only other achievement in life is creating a compilation video of Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street which went viral.

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