December 25th – Advent

Martyn Hett marks Christmas day with a tribute to Mariah Carey: Queen of Christmas.

By on 25 December, 2013 Filed in Vada That

 Day 25 – Vada Advent Calendar

Mariah Carey: Queen of Christmas

We live in an age where chart music has become dominated by a mix of teenyboppers and ASDA mums who base their music choices on the tracks they hear on X Factor. As a result, the 2000s have resulted in the ‘downfall of the diva’, with many credible singers struggling to obtain a hit regardless of which direction they take (see Celine Dion, Christina Aguilera). However, there’s one diva that doesn’t have to worry as her Christmas legacy rakes in enough money each December to feed a small continent.

Thanks in part to a song she wrote when she was merely 24 years old, Mariah Carey has solidified herself as the Queen of Christmas, and I’m here to tell you why Christmas just isn’t merry without Mariah Carey. I shall present my argument as a series of ‘moments’ in tribute to one of the diva’s favourite words.

The statistics moment

Before I start with the usual compendium of wonderfully sourced imagery and video footage, I have to get the serious bit out of the way because it really is quite impressive. Mariah wrote and produced her Christmas album when she was a mere 24 years old. It went on to become the best selling Christmas album of all time. Its lead single, ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, comes with so many stats that it’s hard to know where to start, but in terms of the UK alone, the song has just shifted its millionth copy, so I suggest you pop that in your turkey sandwich and enjoy…

All these festive moments

Mariah makes no secret of the fact she’s incredibly festive, and thanks to the internet, we now have a compilation video to prove it:

This incredible gospel moment

Mariah Carey. ‘Merry Christmas’. Track 10. Haven’t heard it? Well let’s rectify this right now. It’s a take on the traditional hymn, ‘Jesus Oh What A Wonderful Child’ and it’s all pretty standard until you get to the 3 minute mark. Hungry for some gospel? Well allow me to serve it to you on a Jesus platter complete with a side dish of Mariah Carey realness. The end result is simply magnificent:

This bikini snow moment

Being the Christmas slut that she is, Mariah likes to pilgrimage to Aspen every year to partake in fun and frolics in the snow. But don’t be mistaken, that doesn’t mean she’ll be sat in front of a log fire in a nice, heavy-knit wooly jumper. Absolutely not. She’ll be taking her dogs for a walk. In a bikini. In the snow. Because why the fuck not?

mariah carey bikini snow

This incredible Christmas classroom moment

Last Christmas, Mariah performed ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ backed only by small children and classroom instruments. The video went viral and once again, Mariah demonstrated her ability to spread Christmas cheer throughout the land. If you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t yet seen it, you should watch it here:

This really weird ‘Christmas in February’ moment

In February 2013 it snowed in New York. Most people respond to snow by posting boring photos of their snowy garden on Twitter, but not Mariah. Hell no. After popping a few glitter pills and washing them down with a glass or twelve of rainbow juice, Mariah put up a Christmas tree, gave her Christmas albums a spin and filmed the entire experience on an iPhone. It makes for viewing that is both uncomfortable and fabulous in equal measures:

This incredible Christmas moment with her mother

In 2010, Mariah released a follow-up to ‘Merry Christmas’, which was given the GENIUS title of ‘Merry Christmas II You’. As if it couldn’t get any more amazing, it featured a duet with her opera-singing mother. They performed the duet live for President Obama, and at around the 2:10 mark, Mariah cuts her own mother off with a whistle note. It doesn’t matter if you gave birth to her, there’s only room for one diva on that stage.

These fabulous ‘Christmas ensemble’ moments

Throughout the month of December, you’ll mainly find Mariah in red, a colour that many associate with elegance and sophistication. But despite the fact she’s worth $510 million, Mariah certainly knows how to look fabulously cheap. Take for instance the embroidered red dress that revealed so much of her breast area that it may as well have been a skirt. Or my personal favourite, the red fur trim Dior boots she wore in Aspen a few years ago. Tastless. Tacky. TERRIFIC.

mariah carey christmas

This moment that everybody needs once Christmas is over

You’d be forgiven for thinking that once Christmas is over Mariah goes into hibernation, but you’d be incredibly wrong. Mariah decided in 2010 that she wanted to cater to the ‘New Year’ audience, resulting in the most incredibly Eurotrash and low budget song/video combination of all time. Perhaps it was the pregnancy hormones? Perhaps she was bluffing us all and parodying herself? Or perhaps we should stop over-thinking it, knock back some champagne and enjoy the greatest 4 minutes and 5 seconds of our lives… until next year of course.

Martyn Hett

Often described as a 'one man hen night', Martyn is a twenty-something northerner addicted to all things low-culture. With a penchant for 90s divas, his life peaked when he met Mariah Carey. Other than that, Martyn's only other achievement in life is creating a compilation video of Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street which went viral.

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