ARTPOP Polarises Opinion in the Ewok Community

Dylan Jones
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The whirling sonorous hurricane of cultural zeitgeist Gaga has caused with the release of her latest oeuvre has extended even to galaxies far, far away.

It’s not just angry blue-haired bloggers and skinny-jeaned journalists feverishly hashtagging their opinions on the defiantly litigious ARTPOP; the debate about whether the album is an inventive allegory of our times or just a steaming pile of pretentiously plastic shit, has reached the forest moon of Endor, remote home of the volatile, teddy-esque aliens, Ewoks.

22-year-old Ewok Sam Jameson works in Anakin’s Lightsaber, the most happening gay bar in Mos Eisley. “They can’t get enough of it here,” he says “we’ve even got an Artpop cocktail. And people love ‘Applause’. You should see the place on Wookie Night – they LOVE it when that one comes on!”

But opinions are divided. Music producer Ewok Rachel Thompson says the industry has stagnated, and that Gaga is as derivative as always.

“We used to have some great acts…The Cantina Band, with their song. You know the one that went ‘DO-DE-DO-DE-DO-DE-DOO.’ There used to be so much originality out there. I mean, Darth Maul was going to do a collaboration with Kanye! But artists like Gaga and Katy Perry have manipulated the music industry into something mass-consumable.”

“I mean yes, there are some innovative artists like M.I.A, but her only target market is the Sand People really, and they just illegally download everything.”

“And the Sith are useless, they’re all just obsessed with Can’t Get You Out of my Head by Kylie. That’s why they wear those hoods.”

These comments come as Katy Perry’s latest album Prism tops the Galactical Charts on the planet Naboo; a result, Ewoks say, of an unfulfilled and one-dimensional lifestyle.

The residents of Naboo declined to comment in detail, but did tweet us saying “#teamkatyperry”

About Dylan Jones

Alcoholic vegetarian Londoner looking for my jacket. Likes Pritt Stick, adjectival agreements, vinegar, Serena Williams, tattooed men, Camden Station and panthers (in that order). Dislikes fennel. Once threw chips at someone from Made In Chelsea. @dylanbjones