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It is my pleasure to present a Vada world exclusive. As witnessed at a top secret island location guarded by ex-special forces soldiers, I was privileged enough to watch the first rough cut of the Batman/Superman film. Obviously, I was sworn to secrecy , made to sign ream after ream of disclaimer, confidentiality agreement and blood oath not to disclose any details. Moral of the story? Never trust a comic book fan. Now…how best to describe this coming together of the two greatest titans of the printed word? Well…it doesn’t suck completely.
We start in an underground compound where Bruce Wayne, (Ben Affleck) is playing squash with Lex Luthor, (Donald Trump), in the exclusive Billionaires Club. Luthor is telling Wayne about his latest discovery, a meteor from outer space containing a very precious element, Kryptonite. They are suddenly set upon by a masked group who announce they are here to kidnap Luthor and hold him for ransom. The leader of the rabble reveals they are anti-fracking protestors angry at Luthor’s plans to drill for shale gas in their hometown. No sign of Matt Damon yet.
Wayne goes to the changing rooms and after a brief moment emerges as his caped alter ego, Batman! The Dark Knight nonchalantly dispatches the would-be kidnappers and offers his hand to the cowering Luthor who has deduced that Batman must be none other than squash buddy, Bruce Wayne! Batman asks Luthor how he came to such a conclusion and the scientific genius points out that Batman is still holding his monogrammed squash racquet. Still no sign of Matt Damon.
Batman kidnaps Luthor and holds him in a reinforced cell beneath Wayne Manor. Alfred, (Jennifer Garner) removes Luthor’s wig and slaps him around while he screams he won’t tell anyone about Wayne’s dark secret. Meanwhile, the Joker, (Robert Pattinson) has stolen the Kryptonite and used it to make a garish engagement ring that he wants to use to propose to the next girl who even so much as looks at him. He is pursued by Superman, (Henry Cavill), who, after Man of Steel, has developed a taste for executing people who get in his way.
While scouring the globe for the Joker and the Kryptonite ring, Superman comes across Green Lantern, (Ryan Reynolds), and mistakes the green ring on his finger for the Kryptonite ring. A brief melee ensues after which Superman throws Green Lantern into the sun. The Joker takes refuge in Wayne manor and throws himself at the mercy of Batman who throws him into the cell with Luthor. A raging Superman bulldozes his way into the Batcave where he finds Batman and Alfred zapping their captives with cattle prods. Superman gives Batman’s cowl a quick scan with his X-ray vision and sees it is Bruce Wayne whom he recognizes from the gossip pages of Heat US. Where is Matt Damon?!
Batman has possession of the ring and tries to pacify Superman by telling him there is no need for them to fight and they can take this opportunity to get rid of their two greatest enemies. Superman sucks in his lungs and uses his ice breath to freeze the entire Batcave before excavating it and throwing it into the sun. In a rare moment of self-reflection he comes to the Nietzschean realisation that he has become a monster, the very villain that he swore to defend the world against. He beats his chest and lets out a scream so loud that it obliterates the International Space Station.
Superman, in his insane grief, decides to turn back time using the tried and tested method of flying so hard around the Earth as to change the direction of its orbit. Rather than causing catastrophic environmental damage, the plan works and Superman is returned to 2003 and the set of Gigli where Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are in a trailer practicing their lines. Superman uses his heat vision to vaporise Affleck and Lopez thus preventing Gigli, Daredevil and Jersey Girl. The whole world celebrates. The whole world? Not quite…the last thing we see is Affleck’s funeral where we a shadowy figure appears: Matt Damon (!) He swears revenge for the life of his fallen friend thus setting the sequel up very nicely. Damon v Superman. Hold on to your capes.