Alternative Gay Anthems

Tom Crowe
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I hate to be the guy who breaks this to you, but the standard gay playlist (gaylist) will one day run out of steam. Whether it’s in 20 years’ time, or tomorrow, Ms Ross’ “I’m Coming Out” will one day lose its potency and Vicky Becks and her bitches won’t always be able to cure my hangover with a slam to the left. It’s the circle of life and we shouldn’t mourn their passing. Taking inspiration from the stereotypes that society has constructed for us, we should play the role of the bitchy and backstabbing best friend and immediately replace them with bigger and better tunes. Here’s my suggestions to get you started:

1. MGMT – Electric Feel

The ultimate mix of sugary vocals and a bassline that makes me want to grind into anything with a pulse, this song surely will be a classic in the future. In fact, I’m contemplating going Morrissey and requesting that Penguin publish the sheet music. About 3 minutes into the song there’s a breakdown which lends itself fantastically to group tequila slammers – you all take turns, one after another, (as always, I’m very happy to provide a demonstration if required). It’s really the 6/4 time signature that makes this song perfect for the gay community though. Whatever your poison – gin, tequila, red stripe (for the man who likes to pretend he’s masculine), poppers, high grade cocaine – when you hit those two last extra beats you will know about it. People have been known to die. Perfect for the homo to be able to tell that he’s sufficiently drunk enough to have an irresponsible and anonymous sexual encounter.

2. Dexy’s Midnight Runners – Come On Eileen

Fantastic for any night where your mental or physical capabilities have been hijacked by that fiend known as ethanol because half the song is just nonsense words anyway. I don’t quite understand why or how this song’s camp potential hasn’t been noticed or exploited, but I’m on a mission to change that. Use the cheeky moments where the singer actually speaks words to point and waggle a finger at the hottest guys around you – he’s singing about the dirty thoughts that you’re actually having! The best part about this song is that arm raising is a fundamental aspect of any dance to this song. Use the opportunity to check the armpits of the men around you. If they’re shaven, he’s a power bottom and you should take him home right away.

3. Natalie Imbruglia – Torn

She’s actually talking about a Grindr threesome where one partner failed to turn up on time. By the time he’s arrived, she’s already done the dirty. It’s a tragic but all too familiar tale, lying naked on the floor.

4. White Flag – Dido.

One for the emotional gay here. Forget the overused cliché of the white flag and just understand that Dido too, experienced bullying. In fact, because her real name (Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong) is (just slightly) draggish, we can actually see the bullying she experienced as a child due to her parents’ choice of name as homophobia. But Dido moved on and didn’t put up no white flags and that’s what you need to do too. Whatever you’re crying about – the fact that Ricky Martin’s children have better hair than you, that you can only wear your new t shirt in the kitchen because it clashes with the colour scheme of the lounge and bedroom or simply that your GoldXXX spilt in the drawer – take inspiration from this song and go with the Flo (rian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong).

About Tom Crowe

Just a small gay in a big gay world. A big believer in the power of perseverance. For ramblings about learning Chinese and French, water polo and anything else that takes my fancy. @tecrowe