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With Lady Gaga’s fifth album just around the corner, we’ve (or at least I’ve) been eating up every bit of Gaga news quicker than Tyrese Gibson ate Beyonce’s pancakes. (That selfish motherfucker.) And whilst we’ve still not heard anything official about LG5, we did get another news story to tide us over yesterday. Or so we thought.
Surprise, surprise! Lady Gaga is going to play Cilla Black. On the big screen. In a Dionne Warwick biopic. But sadly, her publicist later confirmed that she wasn’t attached to the project at all. When it was announced, I wasn’t entirely convinced if this was a stroke of genius or foolishness. But, like all things, absence makes the heart grow fonder. So in memory of the greatest stunt casting that never was, here are five other casting suggestions that are even less appropriate than Scarlett Johansson as a Japanese character:
AZEALIA BANKS as SINITTA
(Sorry Sinitta.) I don’t think I need to say too much here. If Gaga can play Cilla Black, Banks can play Sinitta. Just make sure Zayn Malik isn’t also in the cast list.
JUSTIN BIEBER as ELTON JOHN
Not entirely sure if the Biebs would be playing Elton John pre- or post-wig. Just get rid of the dreadlocks first.
MEGHAN TRAINOR as COLEEN NOLAN
Now if we can get hold of the person who edited Trainor’s appearance in the ‘Me Too’ video, I’m sure they could manipulate her enough to look like Coleen.
TAYLOR SWIFT as BONNIE TYLER
Not so much bright eyes as dead-behind-the eyes.
ARIANA GRANDE as KATE BUSH
There you go Hollywood, you can have those for free.