The 10 Fiercest Bitches in Television

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Dylan B Jones selects a maniacal maelstrom of malicious, maligned, maleficent, magnificent mistresses.

fierce

It’s about time someone compiled a list of television’s most fierce and formidable fictional vixens. And I’m talking fierce. Drink-hurlingly, earring-rippingly, lipstick-smearingly ferocious. Salacious sirens who would have Samantha Jones quaking in her Louboutins and Patsy Stone reaching for the emergency vodka.

I’m not talking Karen Walker being a little bit drunk all the time, I’m talking proper old-school batshit diva crazy. Sunloungers in swimming pools, rentboys handcuffed to radiators, arsenic in the asparagus. You get the picture. So here, in descending order, are the ten fiercest bitches in television. 1 being the most fierce, and 10 being merely super bitchy.

10. Cordelia Chase

cordelia chase

Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Played by: Charisma Carpenter

Best Quote: “My urination just hasn’t been public enough lately.”

A classmate of neurotic Buffy and her cohort of nerds, Cordelia often gets roped into waving crossbows around and punching demons, but she thinks it’s all really boring and would much rather be painting her toenails or maxing out daddy’s credit card at the mall. She once bitched about Buffy so much that it created an alternative reality and almost destroyed the universe. Mee-ow.

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9. Julie Cooper

julie cooper

Show: The O.C.

Played by: Melinda Clarke

Best Quote: “I experimented with lesbianism when I was your age. It involved a little Motley Crue and a lot of Jager.”

Julie Cooper enjoys long walks on the beach, mojitos at 10a.m., and sleeping with her daughter’s boyfriend. A real housewife of Orange County with a lust for life and a flexible spine, if someone gets covered in a cocktail at a party, Julie’s usually behind it. Her other interests include lip-liner, gardeners and poisoning her husband.

8. Celia Hodes

celia hodes

Show: Weeds

Played by: Elizabeth Perkins

Best Quote: “I have cancer and jungle fever, and tonight one them is going to get cured.”

Celia Hodes is everyone’s favourite city council member, with a vicious tongue and a penchant for popping prescription pills. Throughout the show she experiments with driving Segways, having sex on golf courses, drug dealing, lesbianism, espionage, blackmail, amateur photography, cooking and property development. There’s also a scene involving her, a pistol and six burly Hispanic men. I won’t go into details but suffice to say it’s fabulous and disturbing in equal measure.

7. Debbie Thornberry

debbie thornberry

Show: The Wild Thornberrys

Voiced by: Danielle Harris

Best Quote: “There’s monkey pee on my new lipstick! I hate my life, I hate all of you!”

Debbie Thornberry listens to heavy metal, drinks her coffee black with no sugar, and in one episode she kicks a tiger in the face. Thankyou, goodnight.

6. Willam Belli

willam belli

Show: RuPaul’s Drag Race

Played by: Himself

Best Quote: “I’m a lover, not a fighter. And by that I mean I suck a lot of dick.”

Willam was booted off of Season 4 of the drag queen reality show for breaking the rules by receiving conjugal visits from his boyfriend. Before this happened he found the time to fake a mental breakdown, vomit on a runway, rip several weaves out and make a small blue papier mache boat covered in photographs of himself.

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5. Jenna Maroney

jenna maroney

Show: 30 Rock

Played by: Jane Krakowski

Best Quote: Too many to count.

Jenna Maroney is an actress on fictional variety show TGS. She released a single called ‘Muffin Top’, which reportedly reached number 4 in the charts in Belgium. She was conceived in a toilet in Florida, and has had several life-threatening sexual encounters with actor Mickey Rourke. She was once a judge on “America’s Kidz Got Singing”, during which time she coined the catchphrase “go jump back up your mother!” She has also starred in numerous feature films, including X-rated torture porn feature “Take My Hand” (originally intended to be shot as a romantic comedy).

4. Daenerys Targaryen

daenerys targaryen fierce

Show: Game of Thrones

Played by: Emilia Clarke

Best Quote: “The next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands.”

Daenerys Targaryen is serving medieval dragonmother bitch matriarch tribal goddess REALNESS. She’s got dragons. She’s got boats. She’s got an accessories collection that makes Vivienne Westwood looks like George at Asda. She’s got hot tattooed men who wear eyeliner. Sometimes they die but she just gets new ones. She is my kind of girl.

3. Skyler White

skyler white

Show: Breaking Bad

Played by: Anna Gunn

Best Quote: “DON’T sell marijuana to my husband!”

One glassy glare from Aryan meth queen Skyler sends small town drug dealers running for their banged-up jeeps. She launders money, facilitates the manufacturing of class A drugs, and STILL finds time to buy fabric softener and pick the kids up from school. Oh, and there’s nothing she doesn’t know about  kitten heels and blazers with shoulder pads.

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2. Lucille Bluth

lucille bluth

Show: Arrested Development

Played by: Jessica Walter

Best Quote: “Look what the homosexuals have done to me.”

Lucille Bluth is the expensively coiffed, extensively racist matriarch of a highly dysfunctional, ridiculously wealthy family unit. She drinks constantly, only eats shellfish and pot-pourri, and is alleged to have never made eye contact with a waiter. She once hijacked a cruise ship in an attempt to escape the SEC (U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission). She was caught and thrown in jail, where she became head of a Chinese women’s prison gang.

1. Tanya Turner

tanya turner

Show: Footballers’ Wives

Played by: Zoe Lucker

Best Quote: “The only way to keep your dick under control is to cut it off! But sadly, I don’t have my nail scissors with me.”

Tanya Turner. Queen of the vindictive cackle, stick-on fingernails and cheap champagne. She’s television’s top bitch because she’s got it all. The sardonic intrigue, the rivetingly appalling fashion sense and the delicious instability. Throughout the course of Footballers’ Wives she has an eclectic and confusing sex life, including; Having sex on a plane, having drunken lesbian sex, having sex with overweight Brazilian millionaires, secretly filming her ex-boyfriend having sex with a rentboy and even having sex with someone hoping it would give him a heart attack and kill him. Which it did. Of course. How? Why? Because she’s Tanya Sodding Turner, that’s why.

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