Great British Bake Off – Episode 3 – Desserts

David Blackett
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Previous episode recap 

Twelve people made some bread, Lucy decided to put no effort in and was taken to the incinerator and burned alive. Rubes appears to be using the Bake Off for detox purposes, as the drug haze falls from her eyes a rather fantastic baker is starting to be revealed. Mary achieved a personal goal of fitting 12 kitten heads into a pan. 

(Full episode 1 and episode 2 recaps)

Episode 3 – Desserts

Bakes this week – Trifles, floating islands and petit fours

Experience we have baking these – well we made soup once, soup is like trifle so we are pretty much experts

Moist count – none, why do you hate us BBC

Cakes bought for watching – cream slices, custard slices, raspberry bar and Mr. Kipling Trifle Bakewells as it seemed like a week where they were wanting the bakers to make any old shit

On your marks, get set, BAKE!

The MelSue set the tone for the episode by announcing that they have no idea what will happen in this episode, the producers have no idea and in fact no one involved knows what will happen. The last time they saw Mary she was demanding squirrel tails and the feet of crows whilst covering every surface in brambles. Paul, the silver backed beauty was seen bounding into the forest claiming that his seed needed sowing.

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Three moons were left to pass before drastic action was needed. Under the cover of darkness whilst the the star of Hestia was high in the sky, producers gathered the bakers together and told them what must be done. A circle was formed and one by one they closed their eyes knowing that once the ritual was over one of them would be chosen and Paul and Mary would be with them again. They each crushed the biscuit they held and chanted the melody of the proofing draw until sunlight warmed their face. As they each opened their eyes they found themselves behind their work stations, cameras rolling and the MelSue slamming wooden spoons on surfaces demanding trifle. The crumbs between their fingers was the only reminder of the night that had passed.

Trifle – layers of wet stuff making normally dry tasty stuff into a horrid mush suitable only for those without teeth

No one cooked beef sauteed with peas and onions. In our eyes they’re all failures.

So what drama does trifle bring with it?

To everyone’s shock and horror  this is yet another thing that Ali has never seen, heard or ever conceived of before. The MelSue start throwing baking paraphernalia at him ‘HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF SUGAR?’ they yell ‘DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS?’ as an Aga sailed past his head. ‘I’ll show you’ he hissed ‘I’ll show you all’ and he did, an awesome trifle  (as awesome as trifle can be) topped with macaroons was created,  ‘suck on that bitches!’ And everyone did with a smile on their face.

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Beca appears to be in full breakdown and demands that everything be filled with chips (pronounced chaps.) ‘What’s your bottom made of?’ the MelSue asks, each mouth choosing a different word to say in a beautiful sing song voice. ‘CHIPS’ Beca replies ‘CHIPS on the bottom layer, CHIPS for the next layer and mushed CHIPS for the custard.’ Mary looks on from the side, they are starting to break, everything is going just as she planned.

Unhappy with the level of drama and lack of crushed sparrow bones, Mary assumes her poltergeist form and gets a little swap happy with the custard. Deborah is left distraught when she discovers that she has used something that Howard touched. ‘It’s all gone to shit.’ she muttered under her breath and starts eyeing up the closest knife.

Then….THEN! to further show that no one is in control the history bit comes along to slap us in the face AND MEL IS DOING IT! Someone needs to show that woman her place and on this occasion it really is in the kitchen whilst Sue tells us something fun and informative about the food we are watching. So outraged and confused we were by this that when we could focus again there was an animal foot on screen being made into jelly AND THEN PEOPLE ATE IT. This is what happens when Mel is left alone. Don’t let this happen again.

It’s difficult to choose a favourite from this challenge, one bowl of sugary mess really just looks like any other. Rubes and her Instagram themed trifle almost did it, but she named it the ‘desert island trifle’ do you know how difficult it’s been for us to not get desert and dessert mixed up? Selfish! So instead here is Christine’s trifle that she has successfully made into something that Del Boy would drink. Christine wins the prize of a picture that is purely here for your joy and not at all  to break up this mammoth piece of text.

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Floating Islands – some sort of poached meringue thing with custard and spun sugar

This dessert is actually named after the first civilization that Mary Berry destroyed.

Hands in the air everyone that has heard of Floating Islands, anyone? No one? You know who has? Ali, that’s who! Ali ‘I have no fucking idea what a trifle is’ knows what this is and makes an alright one without breaking a sweat.

Howard makes some sort of abomination that is heading into the realm of pictures we’ve seen protesters use outside certain clinics for ladies.

Mark, oh dear Mark. What are you actually doing in this competition? How did he fool the coven that his opening a packet of biscuits technique was enough to be on Bake Off? More eggs and fluid were cast aside than at a … at a … a something, you get the idea, he’s shit.

Sue (who is again wearing the darker blazer) torments Deborah for her custard kleptomania to the point that Debs can’t cry tears anymore it’s just mucus and lymphocytes streaming down her cheeks.

This is Paul devouring Glen's winning floating island as we failed to get a screen grab of the dessert itself.
This is Paul devouring Glen’s winning floating island as we failed to get a screen grab of the dessert itself.

Petit fours – 12 biscuit based, 12 sponge based

Frances finally does something of note in this episode and makes a bunch of delights and puts them on a vinyl record thing, we think.

Christine shows off with brandy snap cones produced with the help of a wooden butt plug ‘my husband made it’ we bet he did, but not for this purpose.

But by now we know you just want our…

In depth analysis of the showstopper:

Kimberley – absolutely amazing
Beca – chips amazing
Howard – not amazing, we are slowly losing time for you, he made a savoury Petit Four, what were you thinking?
Ali – too sweet , not amazing
Deborah – It’s best for all concerned that we forget this ever happened
Glen – shit to look at but amazing to eat apparently (we have to take Mary and Paul’s word here, they refuse to share)
Christine – bloody amazing
Frances – always amazing
Rob – precise and amazing, well done science
Mark – hideous, go away now
Ruby – awesome amazing

And the winner is……


DOUBLE EVICTION! Piss off Mark and Deborah

Next week

Pie! Tarts and MORE PIE.

One more thing

Before next week can we all decide how we are pronouncing macaroon.

Star tweet – @gracedent

Trifle needs cut up super market brand swiss roll with half a bottle of Bells in it. The End.


About David Blackett

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. David isn't her, but she shaped his life in ways she will never know. Likely to be found caring too much about street passes and the correct allocation of Pikmin. You can follow David on the twitter @boysies.

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