Previously on the Great British Bake Off:
Ummmm well, we can’t tell you, we mean it, we actually can’t tell you. Every time we go to write about MARY IS AMAZING it our hands just LONG LIVE MARY start praising MARY OUR LORD AND MASTER. It would be highly irritating to read. What we can say is Rob left and the world was a happier place for it.
When we blink we see Mary. Each time we close our eyes she inches closer. What happens when she gets too close? For the love of God, what happens?
Bakes this week – bread, just a fuck ton of bread!
Experience we have baking these – we made toast, which, when you think about it, is the ultimate aspiration of bread so consider us masters on the subject.
Moist count – Now we have to be honest with you, we’re starting to think that the moist count wasn’t as funny as we first believed. Maybe next series we will change it to ‘number of times we’ve thought about Paul entering us during the course of an episode.’ Mary said moist once, fact fans.
Cakes bought for watching – None! But we have a valid reason, promise, we attended the Cake and Bake show last week, bought some more expensive than the norm honey and we can’t stop eating it, we’re putting it on toast so that sort of counts. What are we talking about, it’s our rules, of course it counts. STOP JUDGING.
On your marks, get set, BAKE!
Everyone looks a bit happier this week now that they don’t have kill-joy Rob about the place spouting off numbers occasionally and ruining everything for everybody always.
‘Lets go and play nikky nokky nine doors’ The Bakers would say.
‘NO!’ Robert would respond.
‘Let’s play in the mud and set off fireworks whilst holding them in our hands’ The Bakers would exclaim.
‘NO!’ Robert would yell.
Whenever Rob tried to join in with maths or some such nonsense The Bakers would turn their backs on him until he cried. Good riddance.
Our main thought for this week is- ‘If Howard doesn’t get kicked out it just proves that everyone has forgotten he exists.’
The Mel side of The MelSue has a particular glow about her don’t you think? Research has gone into the odd arm movement that Sue has been developing over the last five weeks and the experts believe she is saying something along the lines of:
‘She eats my intestines when I sleep.’
But, you know, experts can be wrong. This week they are almost wearing matching outfits, however Sue has a more appealing blue. Well done Sue.
Second side note:
Was anyone else’s last week montage just Mary’s face hissing ‘I will burn you’ in all known languages? It was truly horrific, one has to wonder how she manages to have a snake crawl out of her eye socket and still retain the eyeball.
First bake – some bread
They don’t have much time to make the bread so the smart bakers would make itty bitty loaves, it turns out that no one is smart and they all make dough filled monsters. Some taste good, some don’t. Shall we take a closer look at what some of the bakers did until we get bored and move onto the next challenge? Follow us pals to the next paragraph.
Howard – God Bless him, he tries so hard to be one of the cool kids. ‘I’m putting hemp in my bake today’ to which The MelSue mutter ‘try hard’ under their breath. Everyone pretends not to know what it is. ‘What a delightful aroma’ Mary claims ‘reminds me of my old apothecary, BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN NOR HEARD OF THIS BEFORE.’ The only one unable to keep her mitts off it is, Ruby who downs handfuls of the flour whilst washing it down with hemp oil, sadly this breaks her and by the end of the episode is seen crawling the floor with a crack pipe in hand on the hunt for anything she can use as a makeshift needle.
By the time Howard gets round to actually putting the bread in the oven you can tell it’s going to look and taste like a bag of shit and SURPRISE when it reappears it does. However it did have the unintentional effect of attracting an army of that kind of lesbian. They were heard from miles around as their vegan shoes squeaking on the wet grass and an air of patronising superiority made the air difficult to breathe. Sue had to run 27 miles whilst leaving a trail of dark rimmed glasses, bird seed and pan pipes behind her to draw them away from the cameras.
Ruby made a citrus loaf. YAWN. Christine made an ‘Oxford Loaf’ which isn’t even a thing, she just happens to live near Oxford and once made a loaf, her arrogance disgusts us. Frances made a Chai Tea thing in a mug, we’re pretty sure that’s a method of making a chocolate pudding, if you put an egg and some hope in the microwave, something like that, try it out, let us know. Frances Frances Frances, putting some bread into a cup is a little bit shit, we expect more from you, please have a fully functioning rollercoaster in next weeks bake please, a thank you. Glen, urg, ummm, he made some bread. Kimberley made some spicey number and made such a fuss that you would see the spices running through it and it would be the best thing ever. No one mentioned it. Poor Kimberley.
Then we have Beca. This week we have a real problem with Beca and we’re going to tell you why because we know you want to know. Our problem with Beca comes from the first of two history bits this week (oh MelSue you’re spoiling us.) The first history bit focuses on a bread called the Bara Brith. Beca is baking the Bara Brith. We don’t see a special historical segment about what the other bakers are making, this friends is called ‘rigging the competition in favour of Beca’ and we won’t stand for it! So for this week and possibly next, if we remember, we won’t be mentioning Beca. ALSO during the segment they had a clearly bat shit crazy woman saying the n word over and over again with Sue just nodding her head in agreement. What has happened to your moral centre BBC2? We hope you feel nothing but shame.
Third side note:
Sue’s breasts look lovely, we don’t want to objectify… all the time, but credit where credit’s due, well done that particular bra structure.
Can we all take a moment to talk about what happens in the proving drawer? Bakers seem to put pre-made bread in it to just lift out the same still-not-made bread a few minutes later. The current theory is that virgin puppies lick it for good luck. We doubt you will prove (budum tsch) us wrong.
Technical bake – some more bread
The challenge this week is to make a round bread thing with spices and something else, we really weren’t paying attention until Mary made this face:
Mary looked overwhelmed when Paul revealed the spiced bread ring. ‘You found it! My crown! Where was it?’
‘I can’t tell you my lord, for I am sworn to secrecy, but fear not Nigella, she won’t be with us much longer.’
The bakers start rolling, cutting and twisting with various levels of confusion. Ruby wins and Howard loses. It was all rather tedious and we had to watch Glen touch more food which is creating a growing feeling of nausea in living rooms across the UK.
Show Stopper – MORE BLOODY BREAD
The Bakers have to make two lots of bread. By this point everyone is so sick of carbohydrates that their trying to make bread out of flesh, table tops, rotten fruit, just anything they can get their hands on that isn’t flour and water and a lifetime on the hips. The Bakers have also decided to make bread that is named using all of the letters of the world but not in an order that is familiar to those that speak English. We can’t spell what they baked. We tried. We failed. We could have spent more time pausing iPlayer but as this is being written we are becoming increasingly more and more worried that someone has wiped the Victoria Beckham classic ‘Let Your Head Go’ off the face of the internet and in this worry and subsequent trawl through iTunes we’ve also discovered that you can no longer purchase Amy Studt’s second album which is a real pop tragedy.
So how did the bakers do?
Ruby – Made awesome bread and we also got the added Brucey bonus of miss hearing Mel say her buns will be ‘filled with currants.’
Glen- Made something that looked like it would be rejected from the 99p bakery down the road.
Frances – Frances revealed the unusual but saucy way she puts off the competition by announcing how pleased she was after ‘coming on the backs of yesterday’s bakes.’ We assume she baked something and it was edible, we didn’t make notes.
Howard – Made some peachy buns that ended up not so peachy. Hilarious!
Christine -Mary said Christine’s bakes was scrummy as her elongated tongue caressed Christine’s cheek causing her to purr.
Kimberley – was a bit bleh, we expect better of you Kim.
HOWARD IS OUT
Everyone went home.