Previously on the Great British Bake Off:
Stop living in the past!
Bakes this week – A bunch of cakes that have never been witness to joy
Experience we have baking these – None! Thank God. Who wants a gluten free cake? No one. Ever. Who wants a cake made out of potato? Only the Irish. Horrendous.
Moist count – The screaming and fury caused by witnessing such disgusting creations being brought onto this earth meant we heard very few words.
Cakes bought for watching – We bought ice cream, Caramel Sutra, the king of all ice creams and the antithesis of all the bastardisations that are formed during this episode
On your marks, get set, BAKE!
Producer A – ‘Ummmmm, guys, have you noticed that Mary is starting to go a bit…off the rails?’
Producer B – ‘She unhinged her jaw and tipped my child into her mouth’
Producer A – ‘We all hated your kid, why did you bring it to work all the time? We asked Mary to do that.’
Producer B – ‘Oh’
Producer C – ‘Well she does seem to be howling at the moon a lot more than usual’
Producer D –‘And the moon does seem to be getting closer’
Producer A – ‘Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?’
Producers A B C and D – ‘Let’s try and kill her with a week of really fucking boring cakes’
Challenge one – the bakers must make a loaf using despair and thoughts of suicide
After two women dared to present Strictly Come Dancing at the weekend the BBC continues its hate campaign against men as we enter the quarter final of Bake Off and the only Y chromosomes to be found were in Paul Hollywood and the demon child gestating in Mary’s luminous jacket.
For this round The MelSue have collected up all ingredients and The Bakers have to forage in the woods for whatever shit they can shove in an oven to resemble bread. Beca mashes some potato up, moulds it like a child and slams it down in front of Paul and Mary who seem to enjoy it. Christine makes, we aren’t sure what, but it contains tapioca, rice and potato. Seriously? What in holy fuck is that? Mary doesn’t waste her time eating it and simply asks ‘Why?’ Frances of course makes something very pretty, everyone agrees that it tastes lovely too. Kimberley out does herself and makes meat bread that sort of resembles an Italian vagina. Paul is less than impressed at the texture and that is a man who knows what vagina should feel like in the mouth. Then Ruby just made something from her hair, thankfully her hair is made out of unicorn semen which is like catnip to Mary.
The technical bake – A dacquoise.
A what? You’re asking yourself. Well at first it sounds like a wonderful mix of meringue, sandwiched coffee custard, coffee……custard, really guys? Everyone knows coffee is only acceptable as a hot liquid, it’s why you don’t get coffee Roses anymore! Then to make it a little bit more awful the whole thing is gluten free. Disgusting.
Mary attempts to show Paul her dacquoise and he instantly throws up. ‘It’s Ok Paul’, Mary coos whilst stroking his grey mane, ‘I know it’s repulsive.’
We suspect the bakers were given a bit more guidance than usual with this particular bake as the final products all looked pretty similar.
Side note: We can’t be the only ones hearing music from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time popping into this series, we think it’s Kokariki Village. Please say someone else can hear it.
In no particular order, well except the order that they were voted best to worst:
The showstopper -A novelty vegetable cake. No. Stop this. Sounds horrendous…unless covered in cream cheese icing. What? What are you saying MelSue? It has to be dairy free? Fuck off, just fuck right off. Another tough challenge for the bakers is that the cake has to be 3D, just take a moment to think about this.
Bake off gets brutal this week, Mary even carries a vial with her to catch The Bakers tears, ‘I need to feed my salamanders’ she explains to The MelSue.
So what do our bakers make?
Beca – A Fondant mice, spiced butternut squash thing, it looks like it’s from Greggs. Paul and Mary hate it, Beca cries.
Christine – Christine makes a sweet potato cake in the shape of a guitar. Christine explains she has made this twice before. Why Christine? Why would you do that? Why do you have so much hatred in your heart? As The MelSue and Paul talk about something guitar related, Mary yells ‘I know not of your mortal instruments’ pulls out a rib cage strung with rat tails and starts plucking, spraying fresh rat blood across Christine. ‘You should really wash up my dear’ Mary cackles. Paul and Mary hate it, Christine cries.
Frances – First of all she has made a wonderful effort with her hair and make up, you go girl! Her hidden carrot cake thing looks wonderful. Paul describes it as dry and bitter. Christine, clearly still hurt yells across ‘Well so is your mum!’ Frances then cries.
Kimberley – Makes a butternut squash mushroom house. Kimberley’s non 2D cake looks like the creation of someone who doesn’t have imagination trying to pretend they do ‘Oh I need to add fairies…oh lets pour more glitter on the mushroom.’ SHUT UP. Mary and Paul didn’t hate it.
Ruby – Creates a carrot cake allotment thing it doesn’t look too shabby, she clearly complains that it does, but of course Paul and Mary love it.
And after the end of it all:
Star baker – Ruby
Out – Christine with these wonderful words ‘ this is the best thing I’ve done in my life and I haven’t had a boring life.’ We at Vada cried.