Previously on the Great British Bake Off:
Mary Berry called together a crack team of teenagers with attitude to fight the forces of darkness, they alone will step into the fifth dimension in an attempt to become the charmed one. Or something like that, just replace every other word with bread and the occasional ‘good bake.’ Over a number of weeks most of them died as Mary’s daemon Paul Hollywood watched and jester of the realm The MelSue commented.
Now we are down to the final three and the master of all baking forever will be decided.
Bakes this week – savoury picnic pie, pretzels, wedding cake.
Experience we have baking these – Absolutely none, honestly who has the time? BUT we have eaten a pretzeldog and we can’t recommend it enough.
Moist count – you don’t care, we don’t care. Not one person on this planet gives a flying fuck about the moist count.
Cakes bought for watching – a lemon tart for no particular reason other than it was reduced from £4 to £1, thats almost like making money from it.
On your marks, get set, BAKE!
OMFG guys, it’s the FINAL and for the first time this series it’s an all female FINAL. We will never see a FINAL of GBBO this year quite like this FINAL. FINAL.
So let’s have a quick rundown of our lovely ladies.
Ruby – Ruby has been consistently optimistic throughout the competition showing a confidence like no other. The word ‘sorry’ has never crossed her lips. Every evening she washes her hair in a special formula that causes the British public to hate her.
Frances – Sort of the Willy Wonka of the bunch, if Wonka was an incredibly smug school teacher. She’s a big fan of creating food that looks more amazing than it tastes, if Patisserie Valerie has taught us anything, it’s that there is nothing worse than a cake that looks better than it tastes.
Kimberley – Kimberley has been competent in most tasks. But a perfect smile and lack of personality have led us to believe she is in fact Jessica Alba in disguise, she doesn’t need to win.
Signature challenge – Savoury picnic pie
Inspired by the recent Pennywise the Dancing Clown reappearance in Northampton The MelSue start the episode with balloon in hand and the severed arm of a child in their mouth. ‘Bake piggies BAKE’ they chant between mouthfulls of flesh. The bakers make their way towards the tent, heads held low trying to ignore the pain of The MelSue wiping them as Mary cackles in the background. As they get closer to the tent a wry smile crosses Kimberley’s face, today is her last chance.
‘BAKE US A BASKET! DO IT RIGHT NOW’ Commands The MelSue and that’s exactly what The Bakers do.
Ruby is all about a vegetarian pie. The BBC are all about making us suffer through some boring VT about how pain free all the finalists middle class childhoods were. The height of trauma comes in the shape of Kimberley and her sassy sister leaving a bit of flour in the kitchen, the trauma of which spurs Kimberley on to be a psychologist. Our heart bleeds for her. You know the deal by now, Ruby moans a little bit, the UK accuse her of allowing any penis in sight into her vagina because that what’s attractive girls do. Mary and Paul love her pie. Her actual pie. Not her vagina pie.
Kimberley is such a show off, ‘Oh im baking three types of pastry’ ‘my boyfriend is attractive’ ‘I’m the best at everything ever’ guys, she fucks up here, fucks up royaly. We have never seen a bottom as soggy as her pie. Her actual pie. Not her vagina pie.
Frances bakes a wonderful rainbow picnic pie. It’s wonderful. She’s wonderful. Please open a bakery in central London please. Whilst Frances is doing something at the microwave The MelSue and Mary swoop down on some vegetables left to the side, ‘She won’t need it will she?’ Mary Berry moans whilst cramming mouthfuls of warm goo into her gaping maw, her eyesight is going, she thinks that Frances recently had an emergency poop and this is all that remains. When MelSue clarifies that it’s just some green stuff with mint Mary looks genuinely confused and horrified about what she has eaten.
Technical Bake – Pretzels, 6 savoury 6 sweet
The MelSue ushers Mary and Paul out of the room, Mary whispers ‘I will get you’ to no one in particular.
Frances and Ruby look a little troubled by this challenge, Kimberley has of course made a pretzel before and The MelSue has to slap the smug smile off her face as no one can function whilst it exists.
Pretzels look like far too much effort to make, but if the slack jawed, vacant, pale oompa loompas in Mr. Pretzel can do it it’s a little disappointing that the final three on Bake Off struggle so much. It’s difficult to care. This is the order of lameness:
Kimberley – 1
Ruby – 2
Show stopper – 3 tier wedding cake
They must make a cake. A wedding cake. You know who used to be married? Paul Hollywood. You know who isn’t now? Paul Hollywood. As the challenge is read out Mary looks at Paul smirking ‘Know your place young man, don’t you dare try and cross the ocean to escape me again, you have yet to feel my wrath.’
So what cake do these poor bastards make.
Kimberley has got her cake pop tray out again, it’s good that she get’s her money’s worth. She’s making a cake of chocolate, pistachio, poppy seed and other tasty things. There is also the word love in 28 different languages written around the outside. Mel starts reading it out.
‘Mel you need to stop, its not time.’ Kimberley begs.
‘What are you talking abo..’ Mary snaps Mel’s neck before she has time to finish. ‘Don’t worry about her, I have a spare. But you, YOU dare to challenge me with these words? You ignorant worm’
‘And you you are old crow whose overly long yet fashionable life must come to an end. YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY CHILDREN! NOT THIS TIME!’ Kimberley reaches into her cake, pulls out a knife and slashes it at Mary’s throat. The blade strikes skin and instantly shatters.
‘Well that was foolish wasn’t it? You will now be my dog and I will use the skin from your face to snack on.’ Kimberley instantly submits, gets down on all fours and offers up her cheek. Paul is seen in the background slightly dismayed that he’s been replaced.
Frances makes a midsummer nights dream wedding cake, its decoration of sweet potato and beetroot sounds horrific but looks beautiful. It would have looked better if she got rid of the stupid bees. Everyone enjoys it.
Ruby, poor poor Ruby it’s as though all her confidence has been kicked away, her raspberry, lemon and passionfruit cake looks a mess and is over baked. We haven’t seen a contestant look so devastated or mutter the words ‘it’s just lemon’ in such a defeated tone.
As the judges decide who will win,we get to see the contestants from the series who got lost after leaving the tent and have only now managed to find their way back. The only thing of note is that Beca got her hair did and it looks lovely.
Frances wins! Rightly so.
In a closing montage we get to see what the others have got up to since leaving Bake Off. Toby has started running, we can only assume from the voices in his head. Deborah is hoping to join a community group, hope gets you no where, she needs to get her ass in gear. Christine has her own radio show, we NEED to hear this show.
A big thank you to everyone who has read these recaps of The Bake Off and given me such wonderful feedback. Bake Off genuinely brings me so much joy each year, I wish more programmes would celebrate success.