Great British Bake Off – Episode 1 – Cake

David Blackett

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. David isn't her, but she shaped his life in ways she will never know. Likely to be found caring too much about street passes and the correct allocation of Pikmin. You can follow David on the twitter @boysies.

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Previous series recap

Twelve amateur bakers battled it down to the final three of: potential serial killer but actually rather lovely Brendan, beautiful James Morton who had an odd relationship with his sister, and the man who became the winner John Whaite. These were the correct people to be in the final, John was beautiful (especially in black and white) so we agree with him winning. Everything was lovely.

 

Episode 1 – Cake

Bakes this week – a sandwich cake, angel food cake, chocolate cake

Experience we have baking these – 0

Moist count – a disappointing 2

Cakes bought for watching – Emma’s Country Cakes – Cream filled Fairies

On your marks, get set, BAKE!

Week one and the tent of early onset diabetes has returned like an annual cake dealing crack den to Harptree Court. From the off, levels of tension have been increased with one extra baker and the promise of a double eviction. Sue also warns that Mary Berry has been sharpening her knives. Heed this warning my friends as there is blood shed a go go. After three years of Mary trying to lure children into her poorly disguised gingerbread house she seems to have decided to take things beyond sweet treats and is now offering up blood sacrifices to whatever demon she can get on board to help her cause.

Paul growls something and the MelSue translates that those gathered must make a signature sandwich. The contestants look at each other, the sweating begins and the MelSue is clearly disgusted by the knowledge that they will soon be forced to eat blood and sweat filled soggy bottoms.

God, just look at these bakers touching ingredients with their bare hands, fondling cream, smearing jam with greasy fingers, it’s enough to make you sick. If you really think about it, take time to sit and consider baking and all it entails, we steal eggs which are then crushed with flour and milk that’s been left in the sun too long. It really makes you wonder what’s wrong with the human race.

Anyway. Week one always has that feeling of a home economics class, too many people in the wrong sized kitchen and no one has a clue where anything is ( yes crack dens, home ec classes, we are mixing up metaphors and similes like it’s nobody’s business, just wait until we start on Paul, basically those eyes have led us to believe he’s an animagus of some kind.) How did the gang get on with the first challenge? What snap judgments did we make?

Glenn loves things large and seems to be training his dog to attack The Bake Off. Over enthusiasm and the largest strawberries you have witnessed in a cake led to an alright Vicky Sponge.

Frances, we love you, she hit the ground running creating a sandwich shaped sandwich cake, GENIUS. We know it’s a bit early to call it but she has final three written on her.

Mark, poor Mark, not 100% convinced he knows how to work an oven leading to an undercooked cake, but thankfully he has three kids who have picked up his flair for baking, so when he falls another will rise in his place.

Kimberley, all she wants in life is a dry bottom.

Ruby, must not sing the song, must not sing the song, must not sing the song, must not sing the song, must not sing the song, must not sing the song, must not sing the song, must not sing the song.

Toby, he’s not right, the cakes talk to him and not in an ‘oh mother nature talks to me and I just bake’ kooky way. We believe the cakes actually talk to him.

After round one, some people did well, some people didn’t. As far as we can tell no one threw up and Paul simply curled up in a corner and slept, as Sue did….

THE HISTORY BIT

Lancashire! Here we learn about promenading, kind of like acceptable cruising which led to a cake being made! Wonderful! Grindr, if there was one thing that could improve you, it would be the promise of cake, possibly in a party bag. The Courting Cake described is made of shortbread base, cream, strawberry and then Victoria Sponge on top, turns out the amount of cream showed how much everyone was enjoying themselves. The similarities to Grindr are endless.

Angel food cake

Another week and another cake that no one’s heard of, and the poor sods have to make a Mary Berry recipe with no guidance other than the ingredients and a poem describing the beauty of baking in a stress free environment. The cake contains no fat, pans aren’t greased and eggs need to folded in unnatural ways, oh yeah, they also have to make a curd. It really sucks to be them.

“Ooooo you’re cruel Mary” Paul growls as his dragon tongue flicks out to lick cake from his lips. Mary opens her Bible bound in human flesh and starts reciting passages backwards, a wry smile crawls along the side of face.

2.5 hours later.

The MelSue look exhausted and have no idea how well the bakers are doing as they hit a goldmine of innuendo and double entendre so spent the cooking time interrupting bakers with lewd and hilarious comments, favourites being:

Paul is a size queen

Toby – ‘Who wants to go front, who wants to go back?’ to which Mel replies ‘I’m easy’

This one was a struggle for our bakers with many a cake collapsing under the pressure. Poor Ruby, Ruby, Ruby … NO! WE WILL NOT ALLOW THIS … needs to learn that those around her are also baking and she can take a sneaky peek at what they are doing whenever she likes.

#saltgate

The greatest revelation comes at the taste testing table of judgment, where Mary proclaims that she doesn’t remember the 1970s. Was this a cry for help, is Mary losing her mind? Or is the ancient evil within her making the world become like an endless watercolour of pain and misery? Who can tell?

Toby fills his cake with salt because a scone told him so. Robert wins this round and rightly so, he makes a very good cake. Fun fact, he also makes space debris.

CHOCOLATE CAKE

Chocolate cake is bloody awesome, everyone loves it, well apart from Bruce Bogtrotter, he must be a bit sick of them and those without souls. The bakers need to use more than one type of chocolate and they will be judged on the elaborate decoration. Before we carry on, look at this!

cake
Bloody amazing!

‘Keep an eye on your jugs’ Sue yells.

Lucy, a horticulturist, decided to bastardise chocolate with thyme. We do not agree with this happening under any circumstance. Bacon is the only acceptable ‘unusual’ ingredient you add to chocolate.

Ruby, Rrrrrrrrruby…stay calm… proclaims that ‘if something is being perceived by anyone then it doesn’t exist’ and continues to weep over the mess she’s making.

Crazy Toby creates a triple tiered monster, but in doing so slices his hand and a number of passers by. He forgets to set his timer so simply listens to the voice in his head that he believes to be the actual talking clock.

Someone, we aren’t sure who, yells ‘Still wet inside’ and honestly guys we missed a solid five minutes of the programme from childish snorts and giggles, sorry. This is a very important programme which we will take much more seriously in the future.

Mel has become fascinated by the creation of squirrel genitalia. We don’t think anything more needs to be said on this subject.

Howard creates ‘Silver great bear’ from white chocolate, a misty camera lingers on the luxurious mane of Paul as he looks on approvingly. We love the camera man for this and wish him a long and healthy future.

The music becomes tense and the cakes are judged. Mary cuts Ali with a single sentence ‘You’re sad about this cake and we are too.’ She then rips off her face revealing herself to be Anne Robinson. The show carries on.

Our very descriptive overview of the judging goes something like this;

Robert – amazing
Toby – not amazing
Lucy – almost amazing
Mark – amazing
Christine – looked amazing
Beca – amazing
Deborah – not so amazing
Kimberley – pretty much amazing
Glen – big and flavourless, not amazing
Howard – bloody amazing
Frances – amazing
Ali – not amazing
Rubes (we found a way round it) – not amazing yet

They gather the bakers to sit far far too close together to announce that the

Star baker is Rob! and Toby is out.

After a montage of happy people and a dodgy phone call home bit that we can only hope will never return, the show is over.

Next week – bread week

Breadsticks,muffin and decorative loaves

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