Goddamnit Katy Perry.

katy perry

Jake Buck

I’m Jake, I either live on the disgusting part of Cambridge or the disgusting part of London. Sometimes I go to uni at Brunel and sometimes I cry in bed over Disney cartoons. I have a strong attraction to KFC. @JakeBBuck

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We didn’t even get two years away from Katy Perry and she’s back with a new album, fuck sake. I think what’s annoying me most is how much acclaim and praise she’s getting, being heralded as ‘the best popstar ever’ or as ‘saving pop music’ when she makes more basic music than Ke$ha. It’s not remotely experimental and has a habit of cramming at least 10 old wives sayings into each song. It just doesn’t square up with my understanding of “good pop music”. The entire world seems to be buying into it while there are about a million other acts that are being dropped or ignored despite genuine passion and originality.

So firstly, her music. Look through any of her album notes and you’ll find that over half her tracks are produced by Max Martin and Dr. Luke. They are the go-to producers for a quick and easy hit. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but when she’s trying to promote herself as an honest, hard working, vulnerable and true artist, it’s suspect and frankly bewildering. What bemuses me is that she actually succeeds in getting people to believe her. Some of these, ‘honest’, ‘vulnerable’ and ‘artistic’ tracks include: ‘I Kissed A Girl’, ‘Last Friday Night’, ‘E.T.’ and, obviously, ‘Roar’ which is clearly really personal to her, what with its hijacked instrumental and cliché’d lines taken straight from a search for “top 10 clichés”. Seriously: www.bored.com/findcliches/wordphrases.htm.

Also, speaking of the instrumental, remember how ‘California Gurls’ was the same as ‘Tik Tok’ and ‘Last Friday Night’ AND ‘Teenage Dream’ were just more clones of that song? You can pick any of her songs to find even MORE clichés, yet she stills calls herself a writer? Her songs where she tries to have some depth mostly amount to “I read this book and I can relate to this character” or “this saying is SOOOO true!”

katy perry

katy perry

katy perry

Then there’s the ‘performances’ for the singles, where she sounds 99% terrible when ‘singing’. Unless, of course, she’s stood still. Then she only sounds average. It makes the mind boggle at how much studio work must have gone into make her sound decent on record.

After that there’s her public image and when she opens her mouth to speak. I don’t think I need to recover her explanation of how ‘Ur So Gay’ isn’t homophobic and proved how ignorant she is to homophobia, but let’s just remember that for a second. Then her efforts to show how ‘different’ and ‘unique’ and ‘quirky’ she is, like ‘I Kissed a Girl’. WOW KATY, YOU’RE FUCKING WILD! Again, she just came across quite offensive. Then the goddamn wigs during the ‘Teenage Dream’ era. Whoa she was really pushing boundaries then wasn’t she? A BLUE wig, how kooky! Meanwhile Rihanna’s been and gone with her red wig, Britney’s shaved her head and Gaga’s turned her weave into a bow tie, but Katy’s clearly the awkward misfit. “Thanks for supporting how weird I am!” she said. What weirdness? She’s as simple as you can get, she’s literally that girl in school that’s like: “OMG ZEBRAS LOL HOW RANDOM AM I!!!”

katy perry penis

Then there’s the plastic bag song *deep sigh*. It took FIVE people to write that song. FIVE. Has that sunk in yet? “Boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon.” FIVE. Even the plastic bag line isn’t even from her own creativity but simply a reference to American Beauty and the video that shows people dealing with actual self-confidence issues, or um, life-threatening situations. She’s clearly never been through any of that so why the hell is she the one trying to represent them? She can’t relate. She was dancing on table tops and maxing out her cards while these kids were feeling alienated from everything around them. Not to mention she juxtaposes it by taking the piss out of ‘geeks’ in the Friday Night video.

Then, after many major discounts, rushed remixes, acoustic versions and every other tactic possible, she managed to tie Michael Jackson’s record of five number ones off one album. But like…she didn’t really, did she? Michael didn’t release a line of the songs that sounded pretty much the same, he didn’t discount them, he didn’t put out numerous remixes with the hottest rapper of the moment on. People actually went out of their homes to go buy his singles whereas they just clicked a button to download Perry’s. It’s not the same. I can’t believe people even have the audacity to compare her to him.

Finally we get to her ‘new’ image with this new album whatever-the-fuck-it’s-called and that new song Brave Pt. 2. She had that video where she burnt her old wig because she was grown up now and then she released this and a video of her in some tiger bikini. For god sake just stop. Isn’t the song meant to be how she’s big, strong and independent or something? She’s a big strong sex object pouting at the camera and showing a lot of armpit. Achievement.

BASICALLY. If she just shut up and released her music, I’d find her harmless and maybe sing along on a night out and forget about her and she’d just be whatever. Yet she just pushes herself so much in literally any goddamn way she thinks will help her sell more. She’ll say and do whatever’s the flavour of the moment just to try and sell. People are buying into it and lording her and she’s just sucking their money and faith because they really believe in her, idolise her and look up to her as a role model. Yet with the slightest research you can see how nothing she does or says adds up to create a real person. She’s just got the same attitude as Miley Cyrus: “do anything to break records” while she’s nearly a decade older and it’s just sad for her and her fans. I’m so done with her. I’m not going to hear you roar, I’m going to change the fucking track.

 

P.S. this made me giggle: click.

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