The Next Doctor & Why Won’t Steven Moffat Fuck Off?

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David Blackett

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. David isn't her, but she shaped his life in ways she will never know. Likely to be found caring too much about street passes and the correct allocation of Pikmin. You can follow David on the twitter @boysies.

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It’s been just under a week since the human chin factory Matt Smith decided to tell the world that come Christmas he ‘ll no longer be travelling through time and space. It’s also been just under a week since Moffat didn’t tell us he was leaving. There has been much speculation over who will be following in the arm-flailing, over-acting shoes of Matt in Doctor Who, and Ladies and gentleman we have the answer. Stop surfing the net, stop your bets and most definitely stop working on your catchphrase. The answer is (drum roll please):

Moira Stuart,- you heard it here first. Imagine bloody Moira Stuart demanding her way across the universe delivering devastating news to civilisations on the the edge of destruction in her cold newsreader style. We bet she can run down corridors like a wildebeest and she most definitely wouldn’t put up with any useless sour faced companions *cough* Amy *cough*. We also bet she would stop using the sonic screwdriver as a magic wand and instead give anything that gets in her way a good bitch slap.

Sadly we doubt it will be a woman or even someone of ethnic origin. Wave goodbye to thoughts of it being Chiwetel Ejiofor and ignore any hope that it might be Paterson Joseph. We all know it’s probably going to be some young white dude, someone they can say is a star on the rise and that it’s wonderful that the BBC are supporting fresh new talent. The person they pick will probably have done one or two interesting roles, you may even have seen them on your box. They will be young and white and a bit of a safe choice (‘they call him ‘Safe Choice Moffat’ behind the bikeshed). Our money is on Ryan Sampson or the slightly more intense (but just as interchangeable) Iwan Rheon or perhaps even the quite smouldering Douglas Booth.

With all these names being thrown about like a gaggle of London prostitutes gossiping about their celebrity conquests, we all seem to be ignoring the elephant in the room. That elephant is Scottish and is called Steven Moffat and needs to go away, walk out the door, don’t turn around now, you’re not welcome anymore. Since taking over as showrunner the number of episodes per year and quality has gradually decreased. Don’t believe us? We have three words for you Dinosaurs. In. Space. Of course some how he managed to cast wizard magic in the final episode of the current series. For weeks geeks, fans and people with fingers took to Twitter to say how shit Doctor Who had become, but throw in some nostalgic montages and a whole new Doctor face and it seems to short circuit the memory of the nation.

*spoilers*

Also whilst we’re on the subject of The Name of The Doctor. The ending,  with Clara going into The Doctor’s timeline and seeing everything The Doctor has done is pretty similar/exactly the same as what Rose did when she took on the heart of the TARDIS at the end of series one or what Dalek Caan did when he flew into the Time War? Right? Well except the previous showrunner didn’t have the arrogance to make his characters essential to The Doctor ever going on any adventures.

*end of spoilers*

The man has clearly ran out of creative juice and lost sight of even his own creations that were once good. Just look at the angels, my they were scary, all outreached arms out and fang like teeth. Then he brought them back and they were snapping necks like it was nobody’s business AND THEN he brings them back again and makes one the Statue of Liberty which A. isn’t even made out of stone and B. we know can only move with copious amounts of ectoplasm and Higher and Higher by Jackie Wilson being played from a boom box.

Then we have the issue that is Matt Smith, he’s not good, stop kidding yourself, just open your eyes and accept that your licence fee is paying for him to fanny about on screen. However, take some time to hunt out the episode of the Sarah Jane Adventures he appears in and you will see a version of The Doctor which is far easier to relate to and much more likeable. This is possibly because we aren’t 100% sure that Moffat has interacted with other human beings, so is unable to envision how they would react in any given situation. This could also be why during his tenure the series has taken a negative turn in terms of representation of gay, ethnic, women, non white male folk. This is incredibly sad to see in a series which has the power to teach kids any number of lessons about diversity. 

So in conclusion, goodbye one Doctor, hello Moira Stuart and please go away now Moffat.