Latest posts by Stuart Forward (see all)
- “T******s vs. Drag Queens” – A Response - 13 May, 2014
- The Golden Girls Guide to Singledom - 12 May, 2014
- The Gay Oscars – The Out in the City and G3 Readers’ Awards - 29 April, 2014
In what has been heralded as a “brave” move by The Daily Mail’s Richard Littlejohn, Tom Daley this morning announced his plans to host a one-off AllStar RuPaul’s Drag Race Splash Extravaganza special.
Bringing together the world of sequins and speedos in a flawless televisual spectacular, Daley promises to bring a whole new meaning to the word “fishy” as the worlds of Splash and RuPaul collide. For one night only, queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race past and present will hop across the pond to put the bass in Tom’s springboard.
Participants have yet to be confirmed, but the online rumour mill is in full swing, with many seeing Jiggly Caliente’s running split-dive-bomb as a potential show-stealing manoeuvre. Despite being the bookies’ odds-on favourite, Caliente could face stiff competition from Alexis Mateo’s ‘BAM’ and Porkchop’s ‘Porkdrop’.
Series 4 winner Sharon Needles’ involvement has been thrown into doubt after the sports centre manager voiced their fear that she might contaminate the pool. Chad Michaels’ agent has remained tight-lipped on her client’s possible participation in the show, leaving fans wondering whether they’ll ever get to see a moist Cher. Meanwhile, Mimi Imfurst’s agent remains unpaid.
Despite strong online support, it is unlikely that Detox will participate in the show due to health and safety professionals rumoured to be “deeply concerned” about the potential whiplash ramifications she could face on impact should parts of her prove to be buoyant. At time of writing, Alyssa Edwards is the only star to come out and comment on the show, ruling out her involvement citing “artistic differences”. The show’s organisers responded to Edwards’ reasoning with a short press release which simply read “back rolls”.
A source close to Daley stated that it had been “a long-held ambition of Tom’s to get Manila Luzon wet” and that he was excited to “open his pool up to the Drag Superstars”. When journalists tried to pin Daley down to whether he would favour the top/bottom board for the show’s participants, he refused to commit, saying that he would “endeavour to accommodate everyone”. God loves a trier.
Meanwhile, environmental activists have formed an unlikely lobby group against the show, fearful of the impact Coco Montrese’s make-up could pose to local wildlife should it wash off in the pool and enter the ecosystem. Life-long lover of beasts big and small, Willam has come out as a surprise critic of the show, stating that she is physically sickened by the looming foundation-related crisis that could threaten the Thames Basin due to Daley’s oversight. Sickened.
Health professionals have equally come out to voice their concerns as to the impact that diving whilst tucked may have on the Drag Superstars’ long-term health. Citing the Don’t Be Bobby Davro report, medics from King’s College London spoke of the “lost ball” risk contestants could face should their technique be off point. RuPaul responded to criticism with the directive “Well, don’t fuck it up.” Tom Daley is yet to wade into this tucked vs. untucked debate, although it is thought he has his reservations.
The yet to be confirmed judging panel could see the reunion of Michelle Visage and Jo Brand, who insiders state have not spoken since an “incident” in Croydon in 1992. The pair could make a fierce coupling alongside other potential guest judges, with Derek Jacobi, Leslie Joseph, Chris Kamara and Mickey Rourke rumoured to be in contention for the other two slots. Press officials have requested that no one tell La Toya Jackson. Vada would be grateful if you respect their wishes.
Ever the businessman, RuPaul has confirmed the release date of his new single ‘Flip Flop’, alongside B-side release ‘Smuggle that Budgie’, to coincide with the show’s airdate. This announcement comes alongside the launch of RuPaul’s Waterproof Mascara ©, RuPaul’s Shady Goggles ©, RuPaul’s Chlorine © & a RuPool Filter © in anticipation of the Splash extravaganza.
Despite the lack of detail available at this moment in time, one thing’s for sure: the competition will be fierce. Queens will get down, wet and dirty in the race to become champion of the pool, greatest of them all. They betta werk. Watch this space.
Headline image: Ben Styles