Can you feel it? There’s something in the wind. Music bloggers across the globe are getting into a frenzy as the holy year that comes but twice a decade is finally upon us. The stars are aligned, the hell mouth rumbles calling forth singer of songs and Chewing Gum hitmaker, Annie, who crawls from what ever musical hole she scurries into at the end of each album campaign.
Unless something goes terribly, or HURTfully wrong (hurtfully, cus the second Hurts album was shocking, still feeling the pain guys and I intend on reminding people at every given opportunity. Seriously, Theo, Adam, what happened? All we wanted was more of the same and then it’s like you forgot what music was, possibly even stopped listening to it and then found a dark run down heroin den, threw up a close approximation of what you thought music was then tried to mould your pungent waste into something resembling the reason people fell in love with you. You bastards!) this has the potential to be the greatest pop album of the month, no the year, oh screw it let’s exaggerate, of all time in the history of all mankind ever.
So what has Annie missed out on in the last five years(ish)? Whilst she sat in a nest of speakers and decks? Oh how the world has changed. Here are some things she will just have to get used to;
1. Robyn stole your crown and became the queen of pop music made in some foreign land
Well this was accurate three years ago when she was gifted with the power of too much time on her hands and decided that three albums in one year was the correct way forward. Just to show off she also decided to boast that she’d made another album whilst on tour and would release it in 2011. It’s been two years Robyn! Where is it? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE MUSIC? Speeding up the pace of music production to consumption inspired good folk such as Eric Saade to do the same, even Annie announced a three album project(why do musicians feel the need to lie to us?) But Annie, love, if you do a spanking good job we can forgot all about her. However…
2. The UK got remarkably good at making pop again
Oh Annie, we used to desperately need you. The UK had gone all guys with guitars and no one was making pop, well the Sugababes kept releasing songs even though we’d asked them politely to stop. Then all of a sudden a whole bunch of new kids came to town and the likes of Little Boots, La Roux and Nicola Roberts started flinging pretty amazing music all over the shop. Annie we know you have plans to make us forget these people, we have reason to believe you were the cause of …
3. Jack the Lad Swing, Girls Aloud and Westlife splitting up
The pop landscape has changed since you last surfaced. It feels a little coincidental that you, Annie, (if that’s even your real name) choose to rise after Jack the Lad Swing and Girls Aloud, providers or some of the finest pop ditties, handed in their retirement notice. How did you get rid of them? What secrets did you hear whilst hanging out at Xenomania? But if you had anything to do with LMFAO ceasing to exist, then God bless you and come here so we can anoint you as our lord and saviour. Sadly on your murder spree you don’t seem to think of …
4. Pop acts rising from the dead
Thanks to the poor man’s ABBA that is Steps successfully reforming, a whole bunch of old acts are rising from the dead and Annie you’re going to have to fight them off. Be warned nostalgia and early 00s dance routines are a powerful weapon. Don’t forget you have a more powerful weapon, we don’t know what it is but we believe with your Buffy like blonde locks you can slay Spike (Dawbarn*) mid back flip whilst simultaneously decapitating Kerry Katona.
Now can we take a moment to think about these bands reforming, in what other job do people think ‘my god I’m sick of having all this wealth and time to do the things I enjoy, I’m going to go back to work!’ Is this wave of nostalgia going to cross into all worlds of work? Is Betsy the old company secretary going to start showing up at the office? Rumours of her return will begin when she’s mysteriously CC’d into emails, then she sends a few special guest responses which finally culminate in a full blown meeting invite!
So there you go Annie, just some wise words for you there to use in any way you see fit. If you need anymore just get in touch. Until you do, we wish you luck with your new single ‘Tube Stops and Lonely Hearts’ which is released this week.
*the most aged of the 911 gang