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(Before I start I just want to say a massive THANK YOU to everyone who wrote on last week’s article. You don’t understand how much I appreciate it or how much you’ve helped, thank you so much, give yourselves an ice cream and send me the receipt and I’ll pay… I won’t, but do it anyway).
Anyway, onto a more important topic than bullying:
Ten Reasons Why I Fucking Hate Pigeons.
Me vs. A pigeon in Sainsbury’s
One time a pigeon landed on my head outside Sainsbury’s and I nearly pooped my pants, ran into the store screaming and promptly got kicked out for running into the store screaming.
They can fucking recognise faces man, what the hell is up with that? Imagine driving in your car and accidentally hitting a pigeon while its mate watched. That pigeon would hunt. you down. That is like the most terrifying horror film ever.
Pigeons hate KFC
One time I was walking around a corner and a flock of pigeons flew into me and I screamed and dropped my KFC in the middle of town. Forget the jeers and weird looks off the random people on the street, I DROPPED MY GODDAM KFC.
Pigeons & children
Wherever there’s a big crowd of pigeons, there’s an annoying little bastard child running after them screaming and if there’s anything I hate nearly as much as pigeons, it’s children. I thank the Lord Colonel Sanders I was never one of them.
Pigeon blood & shit
One time my cat half killed one but, being as lazy as I am, couldn’t be bothered to finish off the job so I had a half dead pigeon flying around the house. Not content with being my biggest fear, it also stained my room with shit and blood. I did however learn that blood is easy to wipe off walls (just a tip for all you wannabe murderers out there, holla), however, shit is not and, being as lazy as my cat, there is still some bird shit on my wall. I ended up just putting a bin on top of it and waiting for it to just give up.
The Pigeon Detectives
The Pigeon Detectives are a terrible band.
One time when I was feeling rather childish, I ran and scared a pigeon off the path in front of me, and it flew off straight into a woman’s face who was pushing a pushchair. Awkwaaaaard.
One time we had a pigeon nest outside our window and not only were they too stupid to aim for the nest properly and keep smashing into the window, all the disgusting diseases and grossness they carry with them caused them to infect one of our rooms with fleas.
Why do we shoot clay pigeons and not real pigeons? They could do with a plague themselves. Waste of natural resources. GO GREEN.
They’re really fucking ugly.
Ugly baby pigeons
Part B. Their babies are even uglier, have you seen them? They must be the ugliest baby animals in the world. Puppies? Cute as hell. Baby bunnies? Even cuter. Baby giraffes? GOOD LORD CUTENESS OVERLOAD. Baby pigeons? Looks like something I’d leave in the toilet after a drunken visit to the kebab shop.
If you have any other reasons to add, feel free to leave them in the comments and together we can create a petition to ban such a vile and life-threatening epidemic from spreading even further.