1. Selfie after selfie after selfie and so on. They don’t even try and change their hair, makeup, clothes or even change the background.
2. Selfies taken half naked. Or even worse – in the shower. Why? Just why would you do that?
3. Selfies taken in the shower without any bubbles to hide your modesty (read: those P!nk tattoos you got when you were younger).
4. Selfies taken when they finally decided to dress and you think, ‘Shit … they don’t look any better!’
5. Selfies with a caption professing their vanity (usually misspelled to make the point). Or captions saying they feel sad or lonely. Great idea here. Maybe, just maybe, if you stopped taking so many photos of yourselves and got yourself outside you might actually meet some friends that would stop you feeling lonely and sad?
6. Status updates … CONSTANTLY! Shut UP! I don’t care that your girlfriend left you any more. It may have taken you by surprise, but I’m fairly certain that my news feed cant take it any more. We get it – you’re sad, but she left you a year ago … move on!
7. Status updates about how they are newly lesbian and they’ve found themselves and the one they love. I mean, I really am all for that, but please stop posting pictures. And stop telling us how much you love each other and the PET NAMES (princess, pookie etc) … You are littering my fucking news feed and I really am sick of looking at it.
8. Lesbians adding lesbians and lesbians and lesbians … until they end up with about one million lesbians on their friends list. They’ll never know them all and most of them will probably turn out to be creepy old men pretending to be female.
9. The ‘I don’t give a shit about being single, I’m loving life’ posts? Yeah. Those aren’t fooling anyone. I’m just saying.
10. Professions about how many girls they hooked up with. If you have to say that to everyone all over FB or Twitter, it looks kind of desperate – leading us all to the logical conclusion that you’re lying. You are not a ‘player’, you just do what the rest of us do: go home, alone, have a pizza and go to sleep.
11. Use of language such as, and I quote, ‘rubbing fannies’. Was that seriously the most romantic description you could think of?
12. Lesbians who profess through Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook and god knows what else, that they live some kind of Miley Cyrus lifestyle. Breaks my heart to say it, but you don’t. You’re not, nor will you ever be, Miley Cyrus. And that’s probably best for all of us (especially you!).