As New Year’s Eve is on its way I have heard a great deal of talk regarding New Year’s resolutions. I don’t like to do resolutions, but instead I like to set out with a year-long, as opposed to one month, mind-set. So here are 12 Lessons from 2012, which I hope to apply throughout 2013.
1. Everything happens for a reason is a lie. It happens because God hates fags.
2. Always over-dress. It isn’t for you, it’s for everyone else around you. By presenting yourself at your best to the world you show that you respect it and the people in it. If however some uncouth people ask why you are wearing a velvet jacket and black trousers to a casual party you can simply say, ‘I was invited to a rather important function but I appear to have ended up in the wrong place.’
3. Never drink or do drugs when you’re driving, do magic tricks, or make love with someone on the first date (you can have sex with them, but the love should come later).
4. A little of what you crave now and then is good for you, except heroin…
5. Laugh at your mistakes and, if you must, learn from them. Occasionally delete them from Facebook.
6. Don’t kiss someone out of sympathy. It is insulting to you both.
7. Don’t think mixers are the safe option. Soft drinks are one of the main reasons why America is fat. Drink tea. We built a nation on it. (Or drink gin. We built a magazine on it.)
8. As you get older you become more fussy about who you sleep with. Don’t assume this now makes you a more moral person. People who say, ‘I don’t like people who sleep around’ really mean, ‘I don’t like myself any more.’
9. Don’t live your life expecting everybody else to help you. Sod everybody else. Do not ask what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for yourself – and claim in expenses.
10. Buy a good coffee machine. A coffee is the polite way to say ‘Who the hell are you and why are you in my bed?’
11. Remember how much alcohol you can have before you lose control of your emotions, your stomach, your wallet and your erection. Then aim to drink twice as much as that every day till you overcome those little problems.
12. Get twitter. It teaches you with so few characters how to stick to the point. It also lets you follow @conartworks