5 Alternative Uses for Your Lube

Tom Crowe
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We’ve all been there – come through a slutty summer to reach the winter of discontent – suddenly your short shorts/ high tops combo is no longer attractive and you look like a bit of a knob in the middle of Soho. The weight you lost/ muscle you gained in spring in preparation for all those boys you were going to woo throughout the warm months has melted away and no one is even talking to you on Grindr. It’s an all too common tale.

What do you do with the mountains of jockstraps (now too tight for your glutinous legs), six packs of poppers and gallons of lube you have inevitably amassed during the summer’s escapades? The answer to two of these questions is easy – international aid appeals have been benefiting from the generous gay community’s jockstrap donation through Sports Relief for years, and those poppers can be easily put to use as bleach or ‘room deodorisers’ in your boudoir. It’s the lube that often gets neglected – cast out alongside those beach novels you never quite finished, and Gaga’s ARTPOP. Here I have compiled a list of practical and tested methods of using your lubricant in alternative ways. It’s a sort of upcycling.

1) A relaxing face mask.

Often containing silicone and water, lube makes the perfect face mask to cleanse the T zone pores and plump the skin around the eyes. The gay grapevine even has it that Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta (yes, the Tardy to the Pardy girl) has been having her wig stylist inject her with Durex Tingle each day as he fits that mound of hair. The tingle aspect isn’t advised for everybody though. Kim is often filmed during the time she’s having an adverse reaction, which is explained away on the show as her ‘strong personality’. Do be careful though, osmosizing too much silicone through the skin can result in what I like to term the ‘Celine Dion’ look for a couple of days. Need I say more?

2) A practical joke.

If you really splashed out during the summer on a lube that comes in a soap bottle style container, then this one is for you. Quick and heavy pressure can result in lube flying at least 5-10 metres. Try to shoot it from at least the third floor, and aim for the head. Reactions range from cries of anguish at the thought of being pooed on by a bird, to incredulity at the possibility that rain could be ‘this thick’. Hilarious.

3) Make fake snow.

If you splashed out on a soap style dispenser lube, then the chances are you also splashed out on a white lube that resembles a certain something. Squirt onto window panes and over your Christmas tree and allow to dry for 2-4 days. The lube hardens into a firm jelly-like substance, perfectly resembling snow. Now you don’t have to dream of a white Christmas, and can focus all that dreaming into imagining the perfect man you’d like to find underneath the Christmas tree.

4) Use to decorate a cake.

Ever been in that awful position of having baked yourself a Victoria Sponge, but forgotten to buy either the cream or the jam to sandwich between? Never fear, as usual, the gays are better equipped to deal with life in general. Dig out that fruit flavoured lube from the back of the bedside cabinet draw and use instead. Tastes wonderful. [Ed: Vom]

5) Use as a painkiller.

Let me tell you a little story. One of my uni friends once got so drunk he lay down on a boiling hot water bottle and couldn’t feel that he was burning. Woke up 9 hours later with a burn the size of a fist. How do students cope? We dug out the ‘last longer’ lube. Contains numbing agents which allowed this poor boy to continue walking around for four more days until he finally succumbed to blood poisoning and ended up in A&E on a drip and codeine. There is fantastic potential as a makeshift medical supply in this lube – don’t waste it.

About Tom Crowe

Just a small gay in a big gay world. A big believer in the power of perseverance. For ramblings about learning Chinese and French, water polo and anything else that takes my fancy. @tecrowe