5 More Things that Need to go into Shutdown

Latest posts by Tom Crowe (see all)

So the US of Gay is in fiscal meltdown. I don’t care who started it, but the GOP and Democrats are figuratively mud wrestling and I want to know who’s going to submit. It’s got me thinking though – if I was the Obama of Gay Town (in fact the exact name of the region I’m playing in the Sims 3) then what would I be shutting down to improve the lives of the proud citizens of my homonation?

 

1. That dance that every homo in the club does when Ni**as in Paris comes on. It’s a mix of body rolling and boob squeezing, potentially with the occasional foot lift every third beat. Deriving from the desire to look really ghetto cool, but to leave absolutely no doubt that you’re still as gay as Madonna’s 1990 VMA performance of Vogue was intimidatingly fierce. The worst thing is that the dance is also potentially balance-destabilising. By the time we’re all meeting Kanye in the bathroom stall the dance floor is littered with the debris of a thousand fallen gayboys who have just two lines time to get up before the obligatory arm lift of ‘ain’t it Jay?’

2. The basics who hate on my slim fit tracksuit bottoms because they ‘scream bottom’. If you haven’t tried them then you’ll never know the levels of comfort attained by being able to let it all ‘hang out’ whilst keeping their calf muscles warm and toasty in the slimmer fit material. They feel better than a boyfriend ever could, and they don’t judge me when I spill baked bean juice on them at 3:30am after a night out. Talking to a friend who is a biology student, it was actually determined that the next level of human evolution is predicted to be humanity becoming asexual, and partners being replaced with a monogamous relationship with a pair of slim fit slacks.

slim fit tracksuit

3. Coconut water. If pineapple juice is supposed to make your man juice taste sweet, then I don’t know what this is going to do to you boys. It’s gross, smells funny, and if you want to read more about the effects of coconut juice, then read last week’s column.

donny and marie going coconuts

4. The new Grindr skull logo. If Grindr is supposed to look subtle and unrecognisable to straights, then the creators have got it seriously wrong now. Long gone is the petrol yellow and black colour scheme in favour of an apricot yellow monstrosity that now fails to match the colour schemes of my other apps. Grindr sticks out like a sore thumb. I had to change my wallpaper and my t-shirt to get the colours to all match again. Unimpressed.

Grindr

5. My new Venus fly trap plant. I bought one for my uni room, thinking it was the coolest thing ever. Three days in and I’ve got to admit that I’m actually quite scared of it. The flatmates gathered around and we fed it a woodlouse. The trap shuts so quickly and now I’ve got the uncomfortable feeling that there is a woodlouse, potentially alive, potentially dead, in my room. Thoughts of whether woodlouse-kind will take their revenge on me and if I feed the plant enough will it become Audrey II from Little Shop Of Horrors are now spinning around and around in my head. This gayboy cannot cope.

little shop of horrors