Hello Neverland: 7 Ways To Get Over Your Ex

Jonathan Pizarro
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If Gwyneth Paltrow and Christ, sorry, Chris Martin were endlessly smug with their organic tofu pseudo-bohemian lifestyle when they were together, it was to be expected that even their divorce would become a “conscious uncoupling”.

The rest of us aren’t quite so zen about it all, and our epic break-ups look a little more like the lyrical content of a Rihanna album. Or so we like to think, anyway.

So we’re not about to stay in bed with cake, smudged mascara and getting Olympically good at darts thanks to his photo up on the wall. At least not for more than a few weeks, right? Right?!

Wrong. I’ve seen bitches pining for a year over a two month…erm, thing. (Can we really call it a relationship at two months? It’s more like an attached repetitive poke. He hasn’t even confessed to the cocaine habit and the ex-wife by this point). So here’s a few tips to help you get over the Chris Brown in your life, and sashay your way towards booty bouncing greatness.

1. Get The Fuck Out Of Bed

No, really. This may be the hardest step, but until you physically get yourself out of the rut, nothing else will happen for you. I’m not being as dramatic as to suggest you haven’t moved from the bed in weeks, but you know what I mean. You woke up in the morning, you cried, you went to work, you cried in the office bathroom, came home to microwave pizza and cried while watching The Notebook until you fell asleep crying as Celine Dion wailed into your headphones at 4am. Stop it. Get a new routine.

2. Get Mad

Let it out, give yourself a night to do so. By yourself or with a couple of your best friends. Lord knows you’ve been boring everyone to death with every minute detail about the time you spent together and how the last argument went. Grab some wine, a pack of cigarettes and Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours. Make a bonfire of your mementos in the back garden and re-arrange the furniture. Ta-da! You no longer have to wander your hallway at night wondering where the ghost of love went.

3. Get Refreshed.

You can finally spend all the cash that went into birthdays, Christmases, Valentines and romantic weekends away on one person. Yourself. Take a weekend off and get a new haircut, new clothes and a lovely massage by a Chris Hemsworth hulk of a physical therapist called Sven. Join a gym, a dance class or finally learn to pole dance. All that anger can go into exercise and you’ll look even hotter the next time you bump into the loser on the street. Priceless.

4. Get Social

Remember all those people you knew before you had to start hanging around with his friends? Remember those people that weren’t Lucy the nasal-toned heiress and the guy that always smells of cheese and found endless opportunities to rub against you when your ex went to get another round? Guess what, you don’t have to see them anymore! Now you have the time to catch up with your friends, and a couple of times a week will do wonders for you. Cocktails, brunches, terrorising the make-up counter at Selfridges and at least one accidental night out where you stumble home at 6am. On a Monday.

 5. Get Away

He never wanted to go Sri Lanka. Get yourself to Sri Lanka! We all have a dream holiday and never had the testicular fortitude to go ahead and just go there. Alone. Pack some books, re-new that Netflix subscription, take the notebook for that novel you always wanted to finish. Have a week somewhere beautiful, with breakfast in sidewalk cafes and fourteen hour sleep-a-thons. No holiday flings, no commitments, just do what you like and enjoy your own company. Eat, pray, love it.

6. Get Under

So the last people to see the bottom half of you sans robes have been your ex, those awkward random people at the gym and your doctor. This should change. Refresh your sexual palate, so to speak. You don’t have to love him, hell, you don’t even have to like him. He can be the hottest, most annoying bastard on the planet, but you’re doing this for you while he does you…or whatever rocks your boat. Just don’t get carried away, you don’t want to capsize.

7. Get Back In.

The hardest part, but believe me, one day those revenge Destiny’s Child playlists will have disappeared from your iPhone and you won’t even realise. You can’t sit at home waiting for the pain to go away, but with each little step towards your emancipation (thanks, Mimi) hopefully there will come a time when you’re ready to date again. That’s a whole other column though. In the words of the immortal wise sage Stevie Nicks, “When the rain washes you clean you’ll know”. (If anyone mentions The Corrs I’ll cut a bitch).

About Jonathan Pizarro

The illegitimate child of Jack Kirby and Coco Chanel, this small town boy made good after his home planet exploded. He loves Aretha Franklin and hates missing the last train home. Follow him, or Rylan will sing at all your birthdays. @misterpalazzo