Agony! Islam, The Ex Girlfriend and Gay Marriage

Asifa Lahore

Asifa Lahore is a British Asian drag artist. She hosts and DJs at two of London’s most successful LGBT World Music nights, Club Urban Desi and Disco Rani. A fully out and proud British Muslim, Asifa is a pioneering figure within the gay Asian community and one of the new generation of drag queens on the London circuit.

Vada’s Agony Aunt, Asifa Lahore, takes on this week’s reader’s woes: LGBT Islam, the GF’s ex and marriage trouble.

 

Hi Asifa. I found out about you after the Free Speech drama. I am a bisexual Muslim guy and my family know, but I feel like there’ll never be a time when I can be open about who I am in the wider community. They just don’t want to talk about it. What do you think has to happen before sexuality and Islam can be spoken about openly within the community?

Haha! I’m laughing because no one in the wider Muslim community knew about me before I ‘came out’ during the Free Speech Interview. It was a very brave move on my part but the sad reality is that the Muslim and Asian communities aren’t ready to talk about homosexuality. The censorship of the issue proved that. The road to acceptance will be a very long one but I sincerely believe visibility is the way forward for now. I have had a lot of love since the censorship with many saying that it was the first time they had ever seen a positive Gay Muslim story. More and more people need to come out from within the community for the issue to be raised and dealt with. Until then nothing will happen and therefore we have to be brave despite the challenges ahead. How can the issue we raised if community think we don’t exist and continue to brush it under the carpet?  My next music video, Tum Hi Ho (You’re The One) is released on Monday and I hope it sheds light on visibility of LGBT ethnic minorities and gets debates happening. Tell me what you think about it when you see it!

My girlfriend is still close friends with her ex. They are in the same group and go out together all the time. I trust my girlfriend, but I know that the ex still has feelings for her and she has tried it on a few nights out. My girlfriend has never let it happen, but she doesn’t see it as an issue and just gets over it each time. I’m not ok with it, but I don’t want to cause a lot of drama. How do I get this girl off of her?

It’s time to release your inner ghetto girl and have it out with this bitch! On a serious note, this really isn’t your issue, it’s your girlfriend’s issue. She has told you on many occasions that she has stopped her ex’s advances so you must respect that. You say that you trust your girlfriend but I don’t think you do. Somewhere inside of you is jealousy and it is totally natural to feel that way about someone you care about deeply. Talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel. If she tells you exactly what you’ve heard before then you need to let it drop and deal with it. I admire your girlfriend for keeping a friendship with her ex as not everyone is strong enough to. Give it time and your trust in her will build. Now where’s Tyra when you need her? 😉

I’m getting married to the guy I love in September. I’m so excited. It’s caused a bit of grief with the wider family though as my aunties and uncles don’t agree with gay marriage. I feel sad that they won’t accept the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but at the same time think fuck it, it’s my life. Reality is that he’s going to be in my life and at Christmas and at all the family things. It’s not going to be healthy for anyone if half the family don’t approve. Should I take them on with this? How should I get them to accept it?

Unfortunately in life there are things that are out of our control. Your impending marriage will be one of the most beautiful moments in your life but for others that are close to you it won’t be. This is something you need to accept. As hard as it is, you need to hold your head up high and be happy. I entered into a civil partnership with the love of my life. My mum didn’t agree with it and said she wouldn’t support me but on the day she ended up giving me away. My dad didn’t attend but in the years after supported us in buying a house. The point is that it will take time for others to accept LGBT people and their lives. It doesn’t mean we stop ourselves from being us or truly loving the ones we want to be with. Don’t make the world accept you, spend your energy loving yourself. Be happy my darling

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