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Christmas. Just the very sound of it makes you think of mince pies, the potential of snow and chintzy cushions with horse-drawn sleighs on them.
Yes, much like a tumour, the festive season draws ever closer with each passing day. Despite October drawing to a close only this coming weekend, supermarkets have already started stocking festive, tinsel-trimmed wreaths and cheap packs of baubles that the dog is sure to love.
But Christmas is surely a time for giving, a time for sharing, a time for accusing Welsh border-towns of political propaganda.
This week Chester, famous for a legendary law regarding the shooting of Welshmen, found itself in the middle of a political intrigue so dense and so intellectual that it would have made Spooks look like Only Fools and Horses. And it all revolved around some Christmas baubles.
Conservative opposition Councillor Mike Jones declared that the decorations which were to decorate the town’s tree were synonymous with the Labour Party, owing to them both being red. We have no news yet on whether this also applies to Chairman Mao, red lipstick and the Teletubby with the round antenna [Ed: That’d be Po.].
Jones published his manifesto on Twitter where he was described as an ‘avid tweeter’, which is only slightly better than ‘cat molester’. When pressed as to whether this was all an elaborate joke that was too long to fit in a cracker, Jones replied ‘you wouldn’t think it was 1 with the level or [sic] arrogance they have displayed so far’.
If correlating seemingly disparate things based solely on their colour seems like something a primary school child would do, then clearly your eyes are blinded by the glittery tinge of denial. After all, the Greens are supported by every single plant ever, UKIP are supported by the Cheshire Cat and the Liberal Democrats are supported by the sun – they both come out for a brief burst of glory before retreating into darkness for the next 11 and a half months.
A politically neutral Christmas seems like the best way to go about it. Elvis will of course be banned for his seminal Conservative 1957 hit ‘Blue Christmas’, and we will not longer deck the halls with boughs of holly but with plants representing each of the political parties across the UK. Cliff Richard will be banned, just because.
And what of the jolly fellow himself? Though he is traditionally festooned in red clothing, Santa employs thousands of elves but with no mention of union status. The elves are paid only in gingerbread and forced to work zero hours contracts – leaving them destitute throughout the year and worked to the bone around the festive season. His attitudes to animal welfare are also questionable, having had the same nine reindeer for decades.
Clearly, Christmas is a happy time when all the bankers will find giant bonuses in their off-shore stockings and David Cameron will hurry downstairs to the smell of pigs-in-blankets. It’s easy to let our political affiliations get in the way of such a splendid time but perhaps we should leave Christmas to the real heroes: those people who make the John Lewis adverts.