Beyonce Holes ventures down to Dog Bowl, Manchester

Adam Lowe

Our diva publisher doesn’t do deadlines. She also doesn’t do serious (or attend meetings!). In fact, she mainly doesn’t even reply to emails. This week Ms Beyonce Holes herself, our resident Queen Mama and dictator of words, visited the launch of a straight club, and submitted her ramblings with a cocktail in one hand and her phone in the other. What a (fabulous) bitch!

I write this from a busy corner in Dog Bowl, the latest opening from the owners of Black Dog Ballroom. I’m currently trapped by three soap ‘actors’ and the usual posse of tanorexic vultures clawing for free drinks. I can’t see the bowling lanes, but I hear they’re good. I also think I’m enjoying myself, although I can’t quite figure out why. It might be the fabulous cocktails. It might be the supercool music. But something has me buzzing…

It’s apparent, though, that I clearly need to brush up on my hetero etiquette. I couldn’t work out if the barman who howled when I asked for four shots of peach schnapps was shouting at me personally or just at the gods of incredulity that someone would order schnapps. I get that. Schnapps aren’t cool. But I couldn’t see any other shots.

I also forgot the number one rule of straight clubs: straight women always get served first. Always.

It probably also wasn’t a good idea to cram 1,000 people into a 280-capacity venue, but then, I squeeze almost as many as that into my bedroom every Sunday night after Aftershock at Cruz 101.

That said, I am now really looking forward to their upcoming foray into queer club culture: the aptly titled Bowling Bingo Bollox. But I hope that before I arrive the staff have been correctly prepped on gay etiquette. Here are my tips:

1. Queens always get served first. That means alcoholics like me, anyone who appears on the cover of a porno, and anyone who works in Basement sauna. I keep classy company, you know.

2. Boys, we’ll spend all night calling you ‘girl’. Please call us girl back.

3. Peach schnapps is a thing. Deal with it.

Bowling Bingo Bollox starts 8pm, Sunday 31st March, at Dog Bowl.

About Adam Lowe

Adam Lowe is an award-winning author, editor and publisher from Leeds, now based in Manchester. He runs Dog Horn Publishing and is Director and Writing Coordinator for Young Enigma, a writer development programme for LGBT young people. He sometimes performs as Beyonce Holes.