10 Straight Male Celebrities Who’d be Really Good at Gay Sex

Dylan Jones

Alcoholic vegetarian Londoner looking for my jacket. Likes Pritt Stick, adjectival agreements, vinegar, Serena Williams, tattooed men, Camden Station and panthers (in that order). Dislikes fennel. Once threw chips at someone from Made In Chelsea.@dylanbjones

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We love lists here at Vada. Shopping lists, guest lists. Fundamentalists. Actually we’re not a massive fan of that last one, and we’re only a fan of guest lists if we’re on them. But our favourite kind of lists involve attractive men in metaphorical homoerotic scenarios. So we enlisted the help of Dylan B Jones to write one!

10 Straight Male Celebrities who’d be Really Good at Gay Sex. Does what it says on the tin really (if only that tin actually existed. Imagine!). Criteria based on hair, fashion sense, body language, voice pitch, and just general persona. I’ve cheated a LITTLE bit though. With at least two of them the point is moot because they’re almost certainly gay but not out yet (not naming any names…).

Russell Brand

russell brand gay sex

Russell Brand probably has had gay sex before. I’m not questioning his heterosexuality, just noting the fact that he’s simultaneously combatted drug addiction and nymphomania. A couple of years ago he was living in Camden and I had a few nights out I couldn’t remember in the morning. Who knows, maybe I’VE had sex with Russell Brand.

Jack Whitehall

jack whitehall

Yeah, he’s a complete dick but you can picture it can’t you. A roaring fire, a bearskin rug, a 1975 bottle of Merlot. A discussion about the subtext of E.M. Forster novels leading to sweaty buggery on the hearth and croissants in the morning.

Alec Baldwin

alec baldwin

I’m sorry, but he WOULD be good at gay sex. He just would. Poppers-spillingly, lube-smearingly, condom-splittingly good.

Jared Leto

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Lovely Jared. Those eyes, like chipped cheeky emeralds. It’d be a sombre affair. A bare mattress, drunken fervour and probably regret in the morning.

Louis Tomlinson

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I doubt there’s anything Louis wouldn’t do in bed. I think if this list WERE in any particular order, he’d be number one. That grin. His penchant for figure-hugging jeans. You can just tell.

Alan Rickman

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What?! Don’t look at me like that. [Insert joke about wands here.]

Jamie Foxx

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He’s got the gruffness, he’s got the rippling muscles, and he’s probably got a really big, celebrity-sized bed. At the top of a high-rise in Beverly Hills. And a swimming pool where all his A-lister friends come for a dip on Sundays. I’ve put a lot of thought into this.

Dermot O’Leary

dermot o'leary gay sex

This goes without saying really. You were all thinking it.

Russell Howard

russell howard gay sex

I really don’t like Russell Howard very much, but he WOULD be good at gay sex. He’s got that boyish power bottom charm about him.

Tom Daley

tom daley ass

Two words: That arse. [Ed: In retrospect, everyone but Dylan knew he wasn’t straight…]

So that’s that. I hope you all found it suitably irreverent. I’m off to Jamie Foxx’s.

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