1. You can’t listen to Jingle Bell Rock without thinking (or doing) the Mean Girls thigh slap.
2. Your Christmas list specified items by a particular colour. We all know that homos have superior colour differentiation to heteros. Don’t waste your abilities and just say ‘off-white’.
‘My boyfriend better not get it twisted and buy me chinos in Raspberry Diva. I’ve asked specifically for Fondant Fancy.’
3. You’ve taken a festive Grindr profile picture. ‘If I’m wearing a Santa hat, then I can’t be violating their no nudity guidelines!’
4. You’re already gearing up for a tragic Hayley Cropper Corrie Christmas storyline. She came, she broke boundaries for LGBT+ people everywhere, and she’s about to do the same for those suffering under Right to Die laws. We salute you. She’s also distantly related to me, so Julie Hesmondhalgh, if you’re out there reading this, please get in touch. I have a great feeling that you’d be a fantastic wing at G-A-Y.
5. You already know that there will be a heated argument and tears as you assign which family member is which Downton Abbey character during the Christmas special. ‘I am way too classy to work below stairs!’
6. Your homemade Christmas presents involved making various fruit flavoured gins. Whilst consuming half the bottle as a ‘motivational gift to the self’.
7. If you’re flying home with EasyJet this Christmas, then you would’ve ripped out the full page Jean Paul Gaultier ‘Le Male’ ad featuring the MOST PERFECT MAN EVER, Robert Perovich, as a little ‘keepsake’. (Mine is stuck to the wall above my bed).
8. You’re asking for the GBBO recipe book, just for the picture of Paul Hollywood on the cover. (Oh yeah, the pages are stuck together with… err… cake mixture!)
9. You’re worried that all the food you’re about to eat will mean you actually have to do some work in the gym, as opposed to just spending 45 minutes showering…
10. If some, all or none of my suggestions apply to you. Sometimes you just know, and that’s OK too. Although we will never be able to be friends if you can’t appreciate Hayley Cropper.