Gays, we’ve been rumbled. Yes, I’m sure many of you will have heard the news by now. UKIP councillor David Silvester recently uncovered our plot to sweep the UK away with storms and flooding as part of our celebrations (with the Devil of course) to mark that we’re soon going to be able to get legally married. Oh drat.
I have, of course, never written a paragraph dripping with so much sarcasm. Unfortunately for Mr Silvester, we homosexuals were just as surprised that we were in fact responsible for the widespread flooding as the rest of the public.
Still, Crazy Dave’s fears of a gay plot to overthrow the human race is far from the first, nor do I expect it will be the last.
So, why don’t we take a minute to put down our apocalypse plans and take a look at some of the hilariously dastardly schemes we’ve been accused of in the past.
1. The Gay Agenda
Perhaps our most notable ‘plot’ to date. The theory goes that we homosexuals would slowly infiltrate the straight community, posing as normal members of society; teachers, students, cashiers, bankers, police officers, and any other ‘normal’ job under the sun. Once we’d made our way behind enemy (straight) lines we would then harvest their souls and turn them gay. Or something. Allegedly by talking about, referencing, and generally having a life that didn’t involve heterosexuality, we could convince those heteros to become like us. Once everyone was gay then there’d be no more children. Presumably then we were going to burn down all IVF clinics as well. Because we’re thorough.
The problem with this theory: If it was that easy to turn straight men gay then Brad Pitt would have come out a long time ago.
2. The Gay Plague
It started out as a punishment for our perverse sins. However, we’re too crafty to be beaten so easily. By using coming-out crises created by enforced heteronormative lifestyles to our advantage, and rolling out our guerilla troops, the bisexuals, we passed the plague onto women and thereby infected our straight enemies. Within months the straights felt our wrath. Our blood was seen as dirty, and until recently we couldn’t even donate it. We’re still waiting on the invoice from the Devil to make us immune to it, but it’ll be coming soon. Probably.
The problem with this theory: AIDS is treatable, gays are just as weak to it as straights, straight men had more reason to wear condoms in the past, more gay men have died from AIDS than any other social group and skewed perceptions.
3. Destruction of Family Values
By getting married gay power would increase ten thousand fold. As a result, the mere existence of us as married couples would cause straight couples to start irrationally hating each other and breaking up. Then presumably killing each other and their children. I don’t… I don’t get this theory.
The problem with this theory: Not even a master logician could make it make sense.
4. Natural disasters
By being gay we evoke the wrath of God who for some reason then decides to punish the whole world (straight people) as a result. God’s hurling down meteors, storms, volcanoes, tidal waves, floods, plagues, and general pestilence down upon his wonderful creation just because two people of the same sex like each other. Talk about a diva.
The problem with this theory: God’s divine punishments destroy just as many of his straight followers as they do smite his homosexual foes. Also, if God made the world and everything in it, then he presumably made homosexuality a thing too, and if he’s punishing us for that, he’s admitting he made a mistake, but most religions say that God is entirely perfect and thus never makes mistakes, thus making religion incorrect and those who preach this idea to be incorrect as well. It’s a self-destroying paradox.
So there you go. Four theories, four horsemen of the Apocalypse, four things *insert gay cultural reference*, coincidence? Probably.