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Now, I’m not sure if I’m just being a prude here, but y’know how summer is meant to be ‘sexy’? I’m not feeling it.
I might be a bitter singleton, but sunny days are when couples start appearing like legions of warriors, occupying every street with their cute tourist photo ops or pauses for romantic make out sessions. I might not be a part of a couple but I just can’t understand why I’d want a photographic reminder of how sweaty I was in front of the London Eye or a kiss with my partner with sweat dripping into my mouth and wondering if it’s mine or theirs.
I just don’t think summer’s as sexy as it’s meant to be. Here’s why:
1. When someone says sex on the beach, the idea is meant to be risky and cheeky but I just think how uncomfortable it would be to have sand in your private crevices. That’s not to mention sex in the sea, and all the pervy fish, shrimps, seaweed and sharks you’ll be exposing your pink bits to under the water line.
2. Y’know when you see a group of girls going to sunbathe in the park somewhere and get attention from boys, I just wonder if they’re thinking about the homeless man hiding behind a tree and masturbating furiously over them.
3. Daytime drinking that leads to the club and a summer night fling? I’m just thinking why would I want to hook up with anyone that’s attracted to me after a day of excessive sweating, I must look and smell terrible and I’d just be questioning their taste.
4. Couples going for a picnic and feeding each other food. Dipping strawberries into melted chocolate and then wiping it over your partner’s mouth so it looks like you’ve voided your bowels onto their face.
5. Feet. Toenails. Foot hair. Toe hair. Flip flops with socks. Everything is just wrong. Have some humility and get a pedicure.
6. Watching the sunset together and gazing into each others’ eyes, then having to twitch and blink as sweat runs into your eye and you realise they’re probably staring at how your forehead has turned into Niagara Falls.
7. Similarly, lying in each others arms or hand holding or just…physical contact. Shit me, in summer I’d rather my hand turned into a cloth so I could mop up the sweat rather than produce more body heat and share it with someone else.
8. Bum cleavage. I don’t think I need to say anymore on that matter.
9. When people are about to go on holiday and feel the need to ‘catch up’ on getting a tan and then think it’s acceptable to go out in public looking like they’ve had a bad case of radiation poisoning. Also, and this isn’t really relevant, but what’s the point of sunbeds in summer? GO OUTSIDE FFS.
10. As we come to the end of this piece it reminds me of the end of a summer’s day, sat in the garden as the sun sets and the barbecue going. A happy ending to a happy day. Then the barbecue starts smoking too much and everyone starts coughing their guts up, the food is undercooked and everyone’s losing their insides out of both ends or the food is overcooked and no one can swallow their food besides the one gay guy.