Words that Grindr has Ruined

Tom Crowe

Just a small gay in a big gay world. A big believer in the power of perseverance. For ramblings about learning Chinese and French, water polo and anything else that takes my fancy. @tecrowe

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Language evolves, and in the social media age it’s evolved faster than ever. Grindr seems to have its own lingo which only those in the know really understand. Here are some classic words that Grindr has ruined forever.

1. Hungry

Real meaning: horny

Long gone are the innocent days where mentioning to a guy that you were hungry would have prompted him to take you out for dinner, bought you a kebab on the way home from the club, or at least slung a box of cheerios and a pint of milk at you in the morning. There’s only one thing he’s going to sling at you if you misuse the word hungry, and trust me, it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Easy ways to step around the issue if you do happen to misuse include slyly admitting that you only eat German sausage (or Bratwurst for the truly international homo), and insisting that if he’s going to get anywhere near your Swedish meatballs then he must first drive to Ikea to make up the deficit.

Ironically, if he does take the time and effort to procure either of these for you, he’s either: a) a desperate creep and you need to leave immediately; or: b) husband material and you need to jump on that ASAP.

2. Professional

Real meaning: I use the fact I work in an office to attract men and get dirty

It might be one of your fantasies, but in reality a guy who advertises himself as a professional is usually anything but. Most likely he works in a dreary office on an industrial estate and is desperately using the fact that he wears a tie to work to entice guys to bulk up his sex life (which, like everyone’s, is experiencing a bit of a winter comedown).

By all means, go there. Just expect to not be able to shake him and his texts begging for round two until mid-April.

3. Generous

Real meaning: creepy and insulting

Grandmothers are generous. Old men who want to pay you are not.

Always baking your grandchildren Victoria sponges and knitting copious beautifully hideous jumpers is generous. Sending ‘Hi £££’ to me is definitely not.

Nothing more to say.

4. Preference

Real meaning: racist

Let me just clarify something to the Americans and Canadians on their sex trips to London: the UK is a European country, and thus every local boy on Grindr is a European. Anyone can be a European, not just white men.

Secondly, this is not an acceptable bio: ‘White guys only. No blks, no Asians. Not racist, just a preference.’ This actually translates as ‘I’m a racist and also terrified of the fact that I dream only of black men.’

I counter with my bio, which advertises for ‘no racists’.

5. Clean

Real meaning: bigot

I can’t say I’m the most clued up or well-connected man to the impact and stigma that HIV can leave. At the same time, though, I am in possession of a wide range of antonyms, and I can work out that by classing yourself as ‘clean’, you’re classing someone with HIV/AIDS as ‘dirty’. This queen is not okay with that.

Get off your high horse (read: dildo) and grow up. Unsurprisingly, guys who advertise as clean are often those who have ‘preferences’ too.

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