- The London gay freshers’ survival kit - 7 July, 2014
- 10 songs to have sex to - 30 May, 2014
- I Want Anthony Bourdain To Sear My Scallops - 15 May, 2014
We like a good top ten at Vada. Well, we like tops anyway. And if there are ten involved, even better.
So here we go, the ten hottest male cartoon characters. We’ve all thought about it. Those first sexual stirrings during The Little Mermaid when Prince Eric whips his shirt off, a slight biting of the adolescent lip when Ash catches his first Pokémon…
Of course it’s a bit odd really because they are all essentially drawings. They’re not real people. Someone, probably an overweight old man eating a burrito, sat at a desk in Silicon Valley and drew them. But who are we to question our desires? At least we’re not attracted to inanimate objects. Some people fancy fences. Or trucks, that’s weird.
Now I’ve tried not to Disneyfy this list too much, so if there’s a Gaston missing here or there don’t shoot me. They’re listed from 1 to 10 below, in all their storyboarded sexiness. 10 being sort of ok, like you wouldn’t scroll past him on Grindr. 1 being you’d walk into the road and get hit by a rickshaw if you saw him across the street in Soho.
10. Ashitaka – Princess Mononoke
He’s got that lovely signature Studio Ghibli anime hair. And nice collarbones. Also, he rides an ethereal species-nonspecific legendary deer thing. No more buses for US when there’s that thing snorting in a stable.
9. Xandir – Drawn Together
Tantalisingly twinky Xandir has a nice bum, and he’d be happy with a night in watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. He’s a bit camp and annoying though. There’s nothing with being camp, but camp and annoying is a particularly bad combination. Like chalk and cheese. Or Rihanna and Shakira.
8. Stan Smith – American Dad
Stan would save the world, throw you around the bedroom, then make you breakfast in the morning. Well actually he’d probably make you make him breakfast. Very square-jawed and dashing though. As cartoon characters go.
7. Captain Planet – Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Our most retro entry here. Good old Captain Planet! He’s got hot abs and cares about the environment. Saving the world one oak tree at a time. He’s got a great colour scheme going too. Blue skin and green hair. Very SS14.
6. Brock – Pokémon
We all had a crush on Brock. That mahogany skin. That spiky nineties hair. And he’s a fucking gym leader. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?
5. Jim Hawkins – Treasure Planet
TOP 5. Jim Hawkins knows how to handle a hoverboard. More importantly he’s got a sexy grin and a sexy voice (Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s voice to be precise). Also that haircut is so in right now. And is it just me or is there a weird daddy/son thing going on between him and that cyborg reimagining of Long John Silver?
4. Aladdin – Aladdin
Aladdin had to be here didn’t he. Aladdin and his little purple waistcoats. He’s got lots of energy, has our Aladdin. He’d be great in the sack. And afterwards he could take you on a magic carpet ride! Jasmine can piss right off.
3. Jak – Jak & Daxter
Technically Jak is a game character, not a cartoon character. But we’ll let it slide. I mean come on, this list’s not exactly academic is it. Jak’s got a swimmer’s body, a gruff voice, and knows how to wield a morph gun. He’s also got a killer fashion sense (army boots and metal corsages, well edgy). Also if he gets really angry, his hair goes white. Hot.
2. Pips – Ferngully: The Last Rainforest
As a vegetarian myself, I think vegetarian cartoon crusader Pips is adorable. And evidently I’m not the only one. To get the above picture I typed “Pips shirtless” into Google images. I won’t give you the details of all the fan art, but suffice to say a lot of it involved bananas, tree sap and spider secretions. Pips would make a lovely little boyfriend for Captain Planet actually.
1. Flynn Rider – Tangled
It had to be. I mean look at him. Charmingly, filthily, Disneyishly, groin-humpingly fit. And to think, he’s made of pixels!