For those of you prone to trigger warnings and revelling in the shame of multi-nationals, perhaps you noticed one of the most exciting things to go on sale in the UK since the sequinned dinner suit: Tesco’s The Inflatable G*y Bestfriend. This may just be the God-send many of us are looking for. I had almost given up hope that I might ever be able to find one of my very own, and now Tesco is offering them up, easy-as-you-like, right there on the shelf, suitable for children aged 3-4.
Everyone knows how great it is to have a G*y Best Friend, especially when they’re so damn gay, they need a * in their name to check their fabulousness. That guy who will always be there to let you cry on his shoulder, to drive you home after a crap date, stay up all night with you eating ice-cream, watching Mean Girls and drinking soft-drink because you can’t find a man who cares for you as much as he does. Or, just doing what comes natural to all G*y Best Friends: shopping for short shorts and fabulous pink polo-necks.
I know what you’re thinking, surely there are plenty of ways to find a G*y Best Friend of my own without having to pay, but trust me, I have looked everywhere. The G*y Best Friend is a hard man to pin down. Luckily, with this brilliant idea from Tesco, I won’t want to be getting a pin anywhere near him. This incredible guy is inflatable, so I can take him pretty much anywhere, and won’t have to pay for an extra seat when we go on holiday. I can even just pop him into the seat next to me at the cinema so I don’t look like I’m alone, he’ll always be at the ready wherever I am. It’s just the kind of guy he is. Accommodating.
Possibly the best thing about the G*y Best Friend is that he can’t talk. So not only is he only going to ever nod and smile in approval at my choice of short shorts/skirt/leopard skin lycra tights, he’ll never send me any discouraging words or call me out on my fat arse. He won’t talk to another guy, or spend all night talking to me about boring people that aren’t, well, me. He’ll listen as long as I want to talk about, easily the most important thing in life: me. Heaven knows, there’s nothing I like talking about more. He also doesn’t mind when I play my favourite Kylie album all day and dance around the house in my undies. There are other benefits – when I’m having a fat day, I can blow him up to be fatter than me. We can be fat together. I haven’t found the limit to his seams, yet.
Since he’s inflatable (I know what you’re thinking, but he’s not like that – I swear! We’re just friends- Best Friends) he literally can go anywhere and do anything. I can make him full enough to stand next to me in the crowd at a discotheque, and I can make him soft enough to squeeze gently at night as I go to sleep, safe in the knowledge that he will protect me, his Best Friend, until the sun comes up. It’s ok really, I’m not in love with him. I know he could never love me back. I’m content in knowing that we will be friends forever, no matter what, and that no one could ever come between us. One day maybe things will change for him, and he’ll love me as much as I love him. For now I’m happy just being his friend. Best Friend. Forever.
The G*y Best Friend is an invaluable item that every boy should have. If you don’t have a G*y Best Friend already, you’re only cheating yourself. It’s time to take the plunge. Get an inflatable G*y Best Friend today – before all the hot ones are taken!