I’ve Got 99 Problems And They’re All Gay

Jonathan Hoffman
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First and foremost, it is important for me to state that being a single gay man is amazingly AWESOME. You are a free bird, a gem, and you never have to worry about birth control. Yes, being gay is fantastic.

However, there are some important things to know when you’re walking in this world as a single gay man. There are pitfalls to avoid, movies you shouldn’t watch, and thoughts you shouldn’t tweet, like “Why does Bulgarian yoghurt taste like jizz?” – which leads us to my 99 problems, that just so happen to be gay.

I am probably the worst person to be writing about gay boy problems because I don’t have any of the answers or solutions. But, I genuinely believe that you are not reading this article because you want the answers. You, if you are anything like me, are just looking for another gay man stuck on the same problem… I can be that man.

Problem #1: Small World – It’s a small world after all. Seriously, every gay knows every gay and no man is safe. You can think you like a guy, until you realize he had sex with your ex. The ex that you told him broke your heart. The ex who you are secretly still in love with. #gayboyproblems

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Problem #2: Exes – Since the gay world is such a small world, you end up being scared to wander off and meet someone new. So, you end up just staying in contact with your ex, hoping that if you stay long enough he will realize you’re the one. #gayboyproblems

Problem #3: Date Night- You finally take a night off from your ex and go on a date with someone who doesn’t know anyone in your gay circle… Then the cheque comes and you wonder if he’s supposed to pay or are you? I, personally, will pay just to avoid that awkward moment. (That was me hinting I am such an amazing date, and you should ask me out) #gayboyproblems

Problem #4: Kindle- The moment when you convince yourself that you aren’t gonna be a married man until you are 50, and then Kindle releases their gay commercial. I don’t know about you, but I want to be married to a hot man while reading on the beach a Kindle. #gayboyproblems

Problem #5: Britney Spears- Every life problem can be fixed by just listening to a Britney Spears song, like seriously, all of them. When a boy is bad he’s Toxic, when he’s too nice you feel Overprotected, when you have no Boys you keep Anticipating the moment that you will find a boy-a boy that loves rock n’ roll and emails your heart till the world ends. #gayboybroblems

Problem #6: Inconsistency- Being gay, everything happens in a New York minute. Seriously, on Saturday I was telling my friends that I could see myself marrying this guy, and on Monday I was deleting him on Facebook. Life doesn’t slow down for anyone. Not even us gays. #gayboyproblems

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Problem #7: One-night stands- One word: Stop. Can I get a two-night stand? #gayboyproblems

Problem #8: Grindr-  I deserve an award for writing seven problems before even mentioning Grindr. Nonetheless, as much as we all want to ignore the fact that Grindr is a problem, it’s a problem! You initially get the app just to see if your ex is in close proximity, but then get so addicted to all the attention you’re getting from headless torsos that you forget about your ex and just become a skank. (Update: I just deleted my Grindr because it turned out none of the headless torsos were Channing Tatum.) #gayboyproblems

Problem#9: Love- After all the bad dates, Britney Spears songs, and lost Grindr messages you finally fall in love-the kind of love that Carrie Bradshaw always talks about. And then that love fades and you realize you are back at problem #1. But, the great thing about being gay is that, well, you are fearless. You know that you are better than ALL of this, and eventually you will be that guy on the beach reading your kindle, while your husband is getting you a drink… Till then you shall have drinks with many. #gayboyproblems

Problem #10:- You reflect on problems 1-9 and realize your life is just one BIG gay boy problem. #gayboyproblems

Did I say I had 99 problems? I meant 10. Nonetheless, today I counted my problems and tomorrow I will count my blessings. Till next time…

About Jonathan Hoffman

Jonathan Hoffman is a 20-something-year-old writer who is on the search for the perfect beer, burrito and boy. Sometimes he likes to write, sometimes he likes to talk about boys and sometimes he likes to write about talking about boys. He’s cooler than this bio makes him sound.