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Editor’s note: Jules is a pseudonym used to protect the real identity of the person sharing his real story as he is currently only 15 years old. These are his words, as he wanted them to be heard.
I had always felt some kind of issue revolved around my gender, even though I hadn’t had words for it. From a young child, being assigned as male made me feel uneasy and depressed.
At primary school the greatest feeling for me was when I was directed with gender neutral pronouns instead of just being called ‘he’ or ‘him’. Living in an area where you must live up to the name of being a true man, it just made me feel even more uncomfortable with myself.
As I grew older and was at the edge of hitting puberty all I could do was let nature run its course and just accept the fact that I will have to be unhappy for the rest of my life. Being 13 at the time nobody knew the constant struggle I was going through and I didn’t have a single shoulder to cry on or a friend to support me.
These were probably the deepest, darkest and loneliest times of my life. Every day I would put a brave face on and hold my head up high, but inside I was crumbling and crying for help. At this stage of my life I would try to avoid a mirror at any cost and to even get a glimpse of my appearance would make me shatter and break down.
I guess this may sound silly to a lot of people, but I was most afraid of making a trip to the local barber shop. I would slowly tread along, just admiring each woman’s long, flowy hair that shined in the sunlight. The saddest part of it all is that I would wish I would wake up the next day with long hair and a female body, but it never happened.
I would chant in my head, If I had three wishes my first would be to be female and my second wish would be that nobody ever knew me before, as a male. Once I reached puberty I felt as if I was tumbling down an everlasting staircase, into an abyss where I could not see any light.
So summing it all up, my life was pretty crap! However, it is not all bad for me. In secondary school I came across a variety of personalities and characters. I surrounded myself with people who truly accepted me for who I was. I soon became much healthier and happier, but I still had so many questions.
Although I started to act my true self, it sure did come with a lot of consequences. In school I would be constantly taunted and mocked for how I acted and spoke. Some people would try and shade me as if I had no feelings whatsoever. To some I was merely an object that could be the butt of their petty jokes.
If you ask any trans person what their most frequent question is they will most probably give you the same answer, ‘Are you a boy or a girl?’ Not only is this question rude, but it is extremely personal. I often get this question thrown at me and it always cuts deep.
The saddest thing about this question is when answering it and having to say that I’m transgender. Normally the person who asked the question is too ignorant to even understand it let alone accept it.
So after hearing this question and other mean comments (which I prefer not to say) I finally came to a decision. First of all, I said to myself that I matter and should never let the hate bring me down. Secondly that the reason why I get most of this hate is from the bullies being unaware and having no knowledge of what being transgender actually is.
I am now a 15 year old transgender boy (male to female) and I could never be happier. I guess I have only scraped the surface of my life and it would probably take forever and a day to write my whole life story, so I would like to leave a final message:
If you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer, then please note that you are special, beautiful and should try to accept who you are and think positively. If you are heterosexual, than I also want to tell you that you are special as well and that I hope everyone will come together and we will have equality for all, no matter who you are. Thank you.
LGBTQ+ people are at much higher risk to experience emotional health problems because of the bullying, stigma and discrimination they face. If you need to talk about it, Mind is there for you: call 0300 123 3393, text 86463, join our community elefriends.org.uk or visit mind.org.uk.
