Imagine the scenario: you’re the sole survivor of a terrible plane accident, left on a Lost-style island. How will you replace the hordes of men you’re used to satisfying your voracious appetite? How will you keep up the pursuit of the world’s finest triceps without the sight of the token gym hottie as motivation? Let’s take a look at the most important things you should have packed in your suitcase in order to be able to deal with such a crisis.
1. The Shake Weight. For both fitness and entertainment reasons, make sure you carry one of these in your case. Promising to workout literally every muscle in your upper body in the infamous infomercial that first brought the Shake Weight to the mass gay audience, this classically designed dumbbell packs a few extras that really make it a gayssential item for the self-respecting homo. Practice your oral technique without the pain (or gain) of the real thing by opening your mouth as you shake your weight directly in front of your mouth. Try it – you can thank me later darlings.
2. A pair of speedos. Even castaways deserve a tan that reaches every crevice of their body and these little gems will help you achieve it. Tans have been clinically proven* to make you look more attractive and muscular and are thus an integral element of your homosexuality. For those brave enough, slip half a coconut shell down the front to really impress your rescuers when they arrive.
3. DVD cover and insert from the film 300. The film that did ‘butch heterosexuality’ in the gayest way possible. In the absence of the internet to satisfy your sexual desires, the official artwork of Gerard Butler is the closest thing to porn that I can recommend.
4. Poppers. Don’t bother sniffing them. Just make everything you own smell amyl-y. It’ll help you remake friends when you return to society.
5. A pair of Andrew Christian’s. No gay man can be (is?) without.
6. A poster of a Diva to worship. Choose your poison: Gaga, Katy Perry, Britney, Rihanna, Madonna, Cher – even Azealia Banks if you must. The poster must be carried around and praised Lord of the Flies pig head style. Every evening find the most fabulous piece of coral that you can and burn it in her name.
7. A short shorts/ hi top trainers combo outfit. Well you wouldn’t want to look straight, would you?!
8. An empty glass bottle. For your home brew Malibu. I imagine you just pick a few coconuts and leave them in the sun for a few hours, but to be honest I don’t have a clue. Who cares, though? You’ve got the time to experiment. Just be warned – coconut is a laxative and that shit is not fabulous.
9. Sun cream. Burn is certainly not gorgeous. Sun cream will permit hours of beach frolicking. My recommendations for beach recreational activities include: pretending that you are Pamela Anderson in Baywatch (note: this requires big enough pecs so that they jiggle as you run), acting as Tiger Lily (squaw in Peter Pan) including making your own face paint from various island wild things, and speaking like Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter for a whole day.
*By 94 of 121 gay men surveyed by no one.