News – The never ending story of the week is without doubt the continuing contaminated meat story with this week’s “shocking” revelation that Findus Lasagne may contain up to 100% horse meat. Although, never fear, when Findus Lasagnes contain fuck-all meat anyway, ‘100%’ doesn’t seem so much. Something that has stuck in my head from childhood is the advert for frankly disgusting looking Findus crispy pancakes, with a family happily eating them. I bet they aren’t so happy anymore, smug bastards. Every time a new headline appears about this I’m left wondering why we aren’t already eating horse? After all for all we know we already have been and no one seemed to be complaining about the taste. Calling it contaminated brings to mind scenes from a Resident Evil film. I keep expecting my next nasty burger from Tesco to try to eat me before I eat it. It’s my honour to give the award for stupidity this week to the FSA for letting everyone test their own food and expecting them to be honest. I’m eagerly awaiting the next revelation about traces of cat, dog and hamster. Morons.
Technology – This week RIM (that’s Research in Motion, not the sex act) announced the launch of their brand new phone. Early impressions show it to be basically an iPhone rip off and a Blackberry. You know, exactly the same as every other Blackberry. The whole thing appears to be an exercise in how to destroy a stock price as the poor unfortunate execs look on in horror at the possibility of a law suit from Apple for stealing a phone design a la Samsung. Speaking of law suits and Apple, one of their own execs is suing them to spend more of their billions of dollars they have saved for a rainy day. If he really wanted to shock them into action maybe he should have burnt it all in the style of the Joker in The Dark Knight. Microsoft showed off its new toy in the form of the Surface Pro to the “enthusiasm” of everyone in the audience. Well that was a bold faced lie, the entire tech industry looked and went, meh.
Gaming – In what can only be described as the biggest non-shock in recent history, Sony reported a loss of operating income. In fact the word used was plummeting not loss. This is due to less people buying games consoles. Probably because in an already heavily saturated market people are spoilt for choice and are unlikely to buy more than one PlayStation, even less so with the knowledge that the next one is just around the corner. Nintendo had a similar problem with the launch of the Wii U and 3DS. It’s hardly shocking that when we are on the brink of a TRIPLE dip recession, buying things like games consoles isn’t a priority when people are forced to exist off of Economy Horse burgers. Idiots.
Celebrities – The fallout of Chris Brown and Frank Ocean’s argument in a car park continues. I’ve read about this a few times this week and every time I do I like to imagine them as two old ladies arguing over who’s grandson is doing better in school. Imagine that, Chris and Frank dressed in old woman drag, bickering about the best type of butterscotch. Russell Brand opened up about his feelings on Katy Perry saying it hurts when people heckle him with her name. It was actually rather nice to know that the lothario has feelings on the matter, except a day before he’d been discussing how he wanted to shag Demi Moore. Zayn “1D” Malik continued not commenting on the fact that he clearly and blatantly cheated on his hot girlfriend with another hot girl that took his photo in bed and shared it with the world. His life must be so hard, jumping from bed to bed like a randy teenage grasshopper.
Politics – Gay marriage passed a second reading in the House of Commons which was followed with a surge of Facebook posts about getting married, conveniently forgetting to get a boyfriend first or the even more obvious ‘it still isn’t legal’ and that this could go on for eons and eons. The best part is all the people in the Conservative party acting as though the end of times is upon us. The world will burn, lava will flow through the streets and Nazis will ride on dinosaurs. What a wonderful thought to end this first news reel.