Miki’s News Reel

Michael Bryant
Latest posts by Michael Bryant (see all)

It’s been an eventful week filled with exciting news including a murder in South Africa, a resignation in the Vatican, LGBT arguments on Krypton and more horse than Ascot in a supermarket/canteen/bolognese near you.

The startling news story of the week started to unfold on Thursday morning, just as many of us were sitting down to begin our morning coffee, with the arrest of Oscar ‘Blade Runner’ Pistorius for the murder of his girlfriend. It was a tragically cynical way to kick off Valentine’s day as every news channel was filled with images and videos of him being taken away from the crime-scene  However, even before the news channels had time to begin showing footage, the jokes were already coming in thick and fast, mainly relating to his disability. Stay classy twitter.

Before even having a chance to explain what happened, or put in a plea or state his defence, Pistorius’ sponsors were quick to drop him and move on to the next best thing like he was a shitty old iPhone 3G. But you can see why, especially for Nike who had images of him with the unfortunately worded slogan I AM THE BULLET IN THE CHAMBER. You can’t make that stuff up (unless you work on Madison Avenue).

Oscar Pistorius

In other news, the Pope is resigning. That’s basically it. I personally think it’s shocking that an 85 year old man dares to retire when the rest of us will be working until, oh 68. Well fuck me the lazy bastard. A lot has been said on this over the last week. I particularly liked reading all of the Twitter, Facebook and other rants from the LGBT community funneling so much hate towards one man with an undertone of hope that the next guy will be better. Well he won’t. The Catholic church has been around since 200AD, so to expect change or modernization is like expecting a rock to perform Johann Sebastian Bach or David Cameron to wake up with a personality. It just isn’t going to happen.

The hysteria will soon move onto the inevitable next phase: electing a new Pope. Wikipedia lists 25 potential candidates. I’ve not watched it in a while but it seems like just enough contestants for Big Brother, so lets have a god damn phone in people. Paddy Power are even trading on it. Place your bets now!

Pope Benedict

In entertainment news: Superman, you know superman right? He’s the worst super hero ever because he’s basically unstoppable unless you happen to have a radio active piece of his home world about your person. That said, everyone in the DC universe has at least two. Well guess who’s writing him now? That’s right it’s a homophobic right wing American nutter who has equated being gay with paedophilia. Lovely guy. But who’s really to blame for this? That’s right it’s DC. They hired him and they can fire him. DC responded that “it supported freedom of expression and that the personal views of individuals associated with the company were not the views of the company.” Well that’s nice to know, I can’t wait to be reading the new Wonder Woman written collectively by the Westboro Baptist Church and the new Batman written by Gary Glitter. Moron of the week award goes to DC comics as every one of their gay readers boycotts them. I suggest you do the same by visiting here.

I’m not the only one mentioning this today, so I suggest you go read Matt Mallinson’s piece on the matter for more information, here.

Superman

Blah blah blah, Horse Meat in my Bolognese, blah blah blah, Horse Meat in my Findus lasagna, blah blah blah. Look, if you all don’t like horse meat then just stop buying it and shut the hell up about it. For almost three weeks we have been hearing about this and it very clearly just isn’t going away. This week came the revelation that some of the meat may be contaminated with Bute, a drug that causes liver damage and internal haemorrhaging, and sounds like something they are addicted to in a shitty Nineties sci-fi film. The best part of the week for me was the BBC map explaining how your pink slime burgers came into existence. It basically looked more like a confusing version of one of those Mazes that you were given to do in restaurants as a child. A restaurant where you were eating horse, probably.

Horse Meat

That’s if for this week. Next week I will undoubtedly be covering the new Playstation 4 and more horse meat. Ugh. Good Bye.