Oz’s Future is All Doom and Gloom

Ryan Auberson-Walsh

Ryan Auberson-Walsh is a sassy Sydneysider who enjoys cocktails and writing from opinion. A student at the University of Technology, Sydney, he was the 2013 editor-in-chief of annual Querelle, and has previously interned at SameSame.com.au and Australian Traveller. His work has also been published in Cream and Vertigo.
@ryanaubiee on Twitter & Instagram.

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In case the news hasn’t quite reached the elder brothers and sisters of our Commonwealth homeland, progressive Australia would like you to know that we’re not happy and are considering returning after a 225 year absence.

Just as predicted by election polls over the past few months, the conservative, right-wing Liberal party has taken over government and the dark lord has taken power. His official name, He who must not be named, is one that the world would be most likely slated to use, but we Aussies are a daring breed of sun-kissed folk. We have a bit of guts and, to us, he’s known as Tony Abbott, the Mad Monk of Sydney.

tony abbott

On Saturday September 7, the wailing tears of thousands of babies born into-left wing families were heard almost as loudly over the sound of everyone who isn’t white, male, middle-aged and rich having their rights taken away.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Exhibit A:

tony abbott today's the day

For Tumblr users and all those who hold the idea of secularism high on the political spectrum, Australia is now in a state of great mourning – one that will last a slow, painful, three-year election term.

But what on earth are the reasons for so much repulsion towards one man and his one-sided agenda? Let me break it down for you with a little poem embraced by social media.

tony abbott cat in the hat

Put simply, there are a number of policies that he is pushing which will turn Australia into a 1950s domestic safe haven for middle-aged, wealthy white men and their bank accounts.

Firstly, on the home front, Abbott has a reason he’s known as the Mad Monk – he’s deeply religious and brings his views into our secular nation’s policy making. This has meant that one particular issue is likely never to pass through and become law, despite even his lesbian sister claiming his understanding will soon change. Any idea? Marriage equality.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Australia is falling behind. He’s stood firm on not supporting a change to our marriage act and the dimmest of bogans is aware that it’s his religious ideology that has determined that one. On a number of attempts to pass a bill through parliament they have been turned down, and the most recent one was struck down simply because dear ol’ Tony didn’t allow a conscience vote on the issue, which most likely would have seen it pass through with flying colours. At this rate, we’ll be the last nation in the western world, whose population is arguably one of the gayest per capita, to allow same-sex couples to legally wed.

Another pertinent issue to Australians who support human rights is his concept of refugees. Despite the United Nations condemning our country’s approach to managing those seeking asylum illegally, both major parties have put forward horrendous policies on the topic.

This humorous spoof of one of his election advertisements aptly sums up his feelings on both issues mentioned so far.

tony abbot gays boats

And another problem that might continue? If Australia is to indeed send its refugees to Papua New Guinea, women and homosexuals will be greatly discriminated against – it’s one of many pacific island nations that outlaws homosexuality as illegal and one may be up for jail time. Nicely done, Australian politicians. Heaven forbid anyone flees for their lives from endless turmoil in a war-torn nation. Let’s just ship them off to a tiny island nation that can barely look after its own citizens. Job well done.

Similarly, the Liberal’s budget costings report (which was only released a measly 48 hours before voting began), indicated a $4.5 billion cut to overseas aid. Brisbane will definitely have a fun time dealing with the awkward looks from heads of state at the G20 summit next year.

What else is a contentious issue for the newly-elected Coalition government? Our NBN – national broadband network. Something that his split the nation – essentially into those under 60 years of age, and those above. Tony’s version of building a high-speed internet system for one of the least densely populated countries on earth is disastrously inadequate. This video makes a valid point as to how Tony’s internet compares to other developed nations in the Americas, Asia and Europe.

In layman’s terms, it’s worth noting that he aims for future internet speeds of 25 Mbps, which compares to the potential 1Gbps that we would be receiving if the Labor government was elected and able to continue their momentous digital infrastructure project.

On that note, there is one last topic that wields together two top priorities for forward-thinking nations – public transport infrastructure and climate change.

Hoping to be known as the “Infrastructure Prime Minister”, he does little to address to concerns of environmentalists, public transport advocates and every single commuter traveling on each state capital’s incredibly over-crowded network. This man has pledged big lumps of cash – somewhere in the vicinity of 17 billion dollars – to road projects, despite an overwhelming number of Aussies wanting investment in mass transport infrastructure.

And climate change, you might ask? He’s a sceptic. Our PM in 2013 does not believe in Climate Change – most likely because it’s not mentioned in the Bible. And it seems even more ridiculous that his party has scrapped the Labor-implemented Carbon tax, aimed at curbing carbon emissions.

And for those who may be wondering what the day after his victory entailed, a look at weather charts for Sunday accurately details the oncoming doom and gloom we’re all about to face.

Readers who dare to read more of Tony Abbott and the Liberal party’s failings, simply follow along with the #auspol tag on Twitter and Tumblr, check out this great little political blog, or alternatively, google Lord Voldemort and you’re most likely to come across a picture of Abbott’s big-eared, evil head.