As a child brought up in a world of Facebook, Twitter, Grindr and Bebo, I never experienced the good ol’ days of meeting men by chance in real life before I see what they – err… have to offer… as a digital image. The Daily Mail screams it at us at least five times a year: the internet is killing social interaction.
I’m definitely not advocating a return to cottaging, but I do think that we need to reclaim at least one form of face-to-face communication in dating. Why on earth the homonation passes up on the opportunity to extort a constant supply of Long Island Iced Tea from a willing man lucky enough to take you out on a date is past me. I am on a mission to reclaim the date and bring it into the modern world. Let’s take a look at my ‘perfect date’ suggestions.
1. The dog walk. Perfect in two ways: neither too long or too short, you are in control. Is he a nose picker/doesn’t have that torso you saw on Grindr? Ditch him. Let the dog off the lead and let it do what dogs do best – running away and not responding to its name. If you’re lucky enough to meet that rare specimen that lives up to his online profile then you should snare him in one of the following ways: 1. Get the dog excited enough to tangle the leads up in such a way that your bodies are pushed together in a moment of gay passion and dog frenzy (think 101 Dalmatians) 2. Get his dog to bite you. Unconventional, I know, but he’ll be forced to give you his number and address for medical reasons. With these two vitals you’re well on your way to being able to stake out the house to find out his schedule (and thus establish that his grandmother isn’t actually in hospital and it was all an excuse to avoid a second date with you).
2. The gym. Maybe it’s an Essex thing, but gym dates seem to have the highest success rate. Whether it’s the ever so slightly suggestive thrusting on the spin bike or the flattering appeal of sweat, it works. I’d suggest starting out on weights before cardio. Blow him (away) with your strength and pumped triceps before absolutely killing yourself trying to impress him on the indoor rower.
3. The dinner date. Perhaps the most tried and tested and underrated of my dating scenarios, I’m determined to get homos away from the bar and sitting on dining chairs rather than bar stools. Dress to impress, and if you’re young, take advantage of this fact by getting your date to buy everything. If you’re old, be warned about me. Stay away from spaghetti (Lady and the Tramp is a heinous lie) and anything with pineapple in. You might think that you’re ‘doing him a favour’ but he’ll just think you’re a dick.