The day of reckoning has been and gone, gayboys. Another year has passed and, surprise surprise, many of us haven’t managed even a glimpse of that elusive creature known in David Attenborough’s circles as Amicus Rupaulius, or to us laymen: the Common Boyfriend.
More elusive than the Aye-Aye, these organisms emerge but once a year on Valentine’s Day, as other people’s boyfriends rise up to preach their love via social media to the masses, before melting elusively back into the deep realms of the gay ocean. For some reason their reappearance shocks us every year and we all feel that ping of the heart string that makes it necessary for us to regress back to Facebook circa 2007 – ‘This for Valentine’s day please! [Insert unfunny unromantic picture]’ (Bitch we know you ain’t got no boyfriend!). However, all hope is not lost. If you like being single, more power to you. If you want to find a boyfriend for next year, I’m making it my mission to help you.
In 1938 an incredibly lucky fisherman caught a fish called the Coelacanth in a river in South Africa. Believed to have gone extinct 66 million years ago, the Coelacanth represents the way in which some people can get incredibly lucky and have the best things in the world just drop into their lap. I like to think of Wills and Kate as the Coelacanth and fisherman (I haven’t decided who is who yet). The two are just very, very lucky to have each other.
The most important step in finding a boyfriend is to accept that you will never find a Coelacanth. It won’t happen. Ever. Ever. And that’s OK. You’ve got to be a bit more enterprising in your search. Let’s think of Wills and Kate again. Who has emerged from the Royal Wedding as one of the most eligible Bachelorettes in the country? That’s right – Pippa. You need to be a Pippa. Be different, be alluring, and aim for a time when people google your name, and the first suggestion that appears to the side is ‘bum’. Pippa is enterprising with her sexuality, dressing to impress and doing her own thing.
Pippa is an English socialite with a reputation to uphold. You are not an English socialite, and have an altogether different reputation to uphold. Know your role, and play it well. Be aloof, be sweet or be sexy, depending on your target demographic. The more confident of the gays should start by never buying anything you would wear out to a club less than 3 times. Yes, I mean buy 3 of the same t shirt. When the clock strikes 2am, whip it off. You need 3 of the same because when you take it off and tuck it into your waistband, you cannot expect it to stay there. If that’s not your thing, shoegaze dancing and the occasional flick of the fringe may be just the right quirky combination to entice a mate. It works for the Aye-Aye.
Perhaps, more realistically, away from the mating arena of the gay club, I’d also advocate the simple approach of taking a new Grindr profile picture every three weeks and keeping the app open while you’re on the treadmill at the gym. Many a heart has been won by that post-cardio euphoria and I find that hot guys often look even hotter with a red face and a sweaty brow. Make absolutely no contact with them via the app, but stalk during the workout and then slyly show-off in the changing room. Boom, job done.