The Political Week That Was

Conor Collins

Conor Collins is an expressionist painter, Opera singer, actor and former Southern England Irish Dance champion. He has recently completed his undergraduate at the Royal Northern College of Music and has had his art shortlisted for the Outside in National Art Prize as well as the Saatchi Showdown 2011 drawing prize. Follow @Conartworks

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The other day I woke up to the government arguing again over Equal Marriage. What I gathered from the House of Commons is that the present seems to be arguing with the 17th Century. It seems a bit like a fruitless argument. It is a bit unfair to have a battle of the wits when one side is hideously unarmed.

Politics to me is not a world I have ever wished to enter. It is like Hollywood for ugly people. Every party has its means of resolving ‘Issues’ (the Trisha word for people not being able to afford heating in winter). Most parties are as flawed as the next. Labour’s technique is to go looking for trouble, find it everywhere, diagnose it poorly and then apply unsuitable remedies. The Conservative technique is fairly similar except they manage to beat the left to the race to the floor with their knees when corporations knock on their door. And the Lib Dems, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel… always manage to order more tunnel.

In short, our country is in a bit of a pickle. We have two entirely ‘contrasting’ parties working together, saying the same things, saying things they don’t believe and are constantly shocked when other people do. It was their own fault though. In an attempt to get elected they all used logic and politics. In the United Kingdom if you wish to get elected the one subject you must stay away from is Politics. This meant that when it came to election time the whole country went to the polling station and with a unanimous call of power they screamed ‘We’re not that sure about anyone!’

I myself am not particularly political. Too often all politics seems to be is the act of making the inevitable seem like wise and reasoned choice. So during my 4 year degree I stayed clear of University politics. As lovely as Manchester’s Universities are University Politics would make me long for the simplicity of the Middle East. Debates on campus often seemed the sort of place where a fascist is anyone who disagrees with you.

And wasn’t it close in America? That was frightening. It seemed as though a fool and his money would soon be elected. A sort of president who could have stepped into a think tank and drowned. There weren’t a great many candidates in America really. Seemed every day another politician was found in bed with a dead woman or a live child. Mitt Romney was nearly one of the most important public servants in America, even though he would have hated to do anything to serve the public. People wonder how he was chosen, but I’m not surprised. Yes he was wrong, so utterly wrong, but he was wrong at the right moment. He was interested in the people, but in the same way that dogs are interested in fleas. However, what do you expect? The American Government is essentially a Tudor Monarchy with Wifi. It’s a governmental system that means it takes hundreds of millions of dollars just to be defeated.

Mitt Romney tried to speak to the majority of Americans. Barack tried to speak to the minorities. There lies the secret. Minorities are nearly always in the right, and nearly always care the most. That is not to say I am against changing President. Generally speaking political parties are like underwear: they need to be changed often and for generally the same reason.

There is always a chance for a career after politics after all though. Tony Blair now charges so much for speaking fees that when I saw him in London I sneezed and he said ‘bless you’ and I was charged £59.99 on my debit card. He was clever. People say it doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you say it with sincerity. Tony Blair could fake sincerity like no other. If you don’t believe me watch him reading ‘Corinthians’ at Princess Diana’s Funeral.

But as much as we may loathe or mildly dislike our current government we can rest assured that at least Anne Widdecombe isn’t in charge.