Twitter Wars, Heartbreaks, And Other Disasters

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Latest posts by Jonathan Hoffman (see all)

140 characters or less. 140 characters left my heart in a mess…

You can think that the biggest conflict in your life, thus far, is that someone came up to you in the high school cafeteria asking you to stop talking shit about them…but you could be wrong. Two words: Twitter War.

In this modern day and age, we don’t gossip like in those 80s movies. We tweet, we subtweet, and if you’re one of the brave, you @ someone. This may all seem like a big joke until you realize the subtweet of that tweet was about YOU. Two weeks ago I, @JonJoose, found myself in this scenario. Let’s start from the beginning, the beginning of the end.

We all have that guy. That guy that is charming, sweet and handsome. That guy that took your dateless sister to prom. That guy that disappears on you when you really need him, but also shows up when you really need him. THAT guy was MY guy, until I realized he was also someone else’s guy… via Twitter.

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I am not saying I am a stalker, what I am saying is that Twitter makes it very easy to stalk. So, like every other Twitter junkie, I stalked. Like, If I wasn’t doing what I’m doing now, I would totally be a crime scene investigator. I’m good. I can find any boy via Twitter in approximately two minutes, and that is exactly what I did. I whispered the words, “I found him.” Right after I found the man of my nightmares, I found out my whole relationship with the man of my dreams was a lie – women lie, men lie, TWEETS DO NOT LIE! Obviously.

After I read tweets about candlelit bj’s and other sexcapades, I couldn’t stop and I became obsessed. The more I knew, the MORE I wanted to know – which made me just as bad as the person writing the vulgar, annoying tweets. I fed into it. I became the very man I despise. I became annoying as shit. Since I lost all my dignity, I finally confronted MY guy: Cue Twitter War.

I won’t go into detail about what the tweets consisted of, but I will say I gained 19 new followers and my enemy got himself MY guy a guy. In the end, nobody really won anything – which is the reason Twitter Wars are absolutely pointless and adolescent. We’re young, we’re gay and we’re going against the world! We shouldn’t be fighting with boys over boys. We should be celebrating being a rare breed. We should be falling in love, not just tweeting about it. If you’re constantly needing to reassure your 44 twitter followers that you are in the perfect relationship, then maybe the only person you’re actually trying to reassure is yourself because you’re worried that you’re not in the perfect relationship. I certainly wasn’t.  Don’t fear what you know. Fear what you don’t know.

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I am thankful for Twitter. Sure, if it didn’t exist I’d probably be in a happy relationship with MY guy, but my relationship would have been a lie. A lie that would have comforted me at night, but eat me up in the morning. When you’re gay it seems that there aren’t many options out there and you have to settle for the guy that messes around with Twitter skanks – that is also a lie. DON’T SETTLE! EVER! Your soulmate is out there, probably cyber stalking you at this very moment. Now go tweet this article. Your soulmate is reading…

I dedicate this blog to the Twitter Junkies, gays, and to the mistresses that didn’t know they were mistresses. C U Next Tuesday.