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I was meant to hand this article in by Tuesday – it’s currently 30 minutes until it turns to Friday. I think I’ve got this one down.
I was given 3 days to do my dissertation plan and in those three days I have:
– had many KFCs (best way to procrastinate)
– done my nails. If I was any gayer, or had more money, I’d probably get them properly mani-pedi’d.
– laid in bed a lot
– rolled over a few times
– rearranged my teddies
– watched Catfish: The TV Show and CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story and cried over both
– walked to the library
– walked back home
I am credentialled.
So, here are some suggestions to put off that inevitable moment of “oh fuck I really need to get this shit done.”
1. Attempt to learn a hip hop routine.
This one has many benefits. If you are successful then, congratulations, you have a new talent. Maybe you can ditch the work you’re avoiding and start a wonderful new career path. If you fail then you’ve most likely failed because you’ve physically injured yourself or made yourself sick. Either way you could possibly end up in hospital and that way you can get mitigating circumstances and have even more time to procrastinate.
2. Become a master of personal hygiene.
Typed a few words? Wash your hands! Spilt some food on yourself? Shower time! Dropped something on the floor? Vacuum! See a bug? Fumigate! Sorted everything out? Type a few more words and repeat.
3. Achieve your dreams of becoming a professional basketball player.
Y’know when you’ve written down a plan and then decided, in a moment of intense frustration at…everything, that it’s absolute shit and you’re gonna fail and might as well give up now? WELL, NOT TO WORRY! Put your bin or a box or just whatever on a shelf and screw up that goddamn shitty plan and go for the ultimate 3-pointer (I have no idea what that means). This method becomes particularly useful as you repeatedly discover all your plans are total shit and you’ve chosen the wrong subject, made the wrong decision by coming to university and should’ve pursued a career in basketball all along. [Ed: At time of writing, Daniel Wren is still a short-arse, and will not become a professional basketball player.]
4. Develop some small new talents or discover answers to unimportant questions.
This is how I learnt to do that Star Trek hand thing, curl my lip, roll my tongue, play that Mexican hat song on a table and do several gymnastic things on monkey bars. Some other suggestions I have are:
– learn to sleep with your eyes open
– find out about non-drinking water:
why it even exists.
what happens if you do drink it.
the difference between it and normal drinking water
– learn how to speak in braille or morse code
– buy a puppet and become a ventriloquist
– figure out the perfect angle to make your genitals look bigger for dick pics
5. Go on Wikipedia and study a topic that couldn’t be further from what you’re supposed to be doing.
Did you know that the serial killer Ted Bundy actually had friends within the police force? He also managed to break out of prison twice before finally being captured and killed. However, there’s many victims not yet uncovered and his kill count can’t be confirmed. Also, there was a store of oil in Russia that the Russians naturally drilled into and stored but caused a collapse that released a fuck load of methane gas, so they set in on fire (this was in like, the 1970s) and it’s still burning today, it’s called the Door to Hell or something.
6. Write an article about procrastination.