December 17th – Advent

mark darcy christmas

Jack Wright

Jack Wright is a poet and journalist. Born in Somerset, he left in 2006 to study at Leeds. Now an expat in Shanghai via Vietnam, he will soon move back to the UK. Peering under the shimmer of modern life, he finds refuge in David Bowie and Doctor Who.

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Day 17 – Vada Advent Calendar

Five things you can do this Christmas instead of looking like a knob in an Xmas jumper

I’m back in the UK from Shanghai, and oh look! Christmas everywhere! I forgot they laid it on this thick. Has it become mandatory in recent years to neonify your whole house and declare high levels of personal Christmassyiness from the billboard of your jumper? The jumpers really are beyond me; thankfully I was wholly unaware of this trend in Shanghai. Is this a fun attempt by the pound stores and cheap cloth floggers to shift the last of the year’s wool products? Or a more sinister manifestation of mass juvenile faddism – a scourge as dangerous as the onesie?

The UK is on the run from the real world, so blocking out the half empty high street shops and dire headlines we remember that bit in that film where the posh bloke wears a stupid reindeer jumper, and this action somehow results in massive romantic win of the century. Christmas used to be a festival geared towards kids, but now we’re all grown up we won’t let that stop us from acting like we’re still twelve. Perhaps next year turkey flavoured dummies will be the thing, and we can all sit in front of Love Actually and suck on sweet meaty rubber tits after Xmas lunch.

Other than the donning of novelty jumpers and the development of serious product fetishism for no rational reason, this is the season to buy your next-in-kin one of those expensive electronic thingies that all do the same thing but people like to argue about a lot. Why give anyone an iproduct as a present? If you want one of these things, please do us a favor and buy it yourself. It’s like giving someone the cause of insomnia and turning their libido down to somewhere near zero. Why touch your partner’s genitals when you can touch a shiny flashy thing that shows pics of your pals wearing Xmas jumpers?

So here are five things you may wish to give a go this Xmas instead of being a walking advertisement for Xmas pudding.

1. Try paraphilic infantilism

I get it – it’s hard being an adult, and the world is a big scary place that forces you to make hundreds of tiresome decisions. So why not put on a onesie and that Xmas jumper, find a suitably devious partner and become an adult baby? The perks are endless: no decisions to make, plenty of relaxation time, and a big friendly adult to give you hugs and possibly change your nappy. All this and you can tick off one of the rarer fetishes from your list (that is presuming you keep a list of sexual fetishes to try, and obviously, you should).

2. Steal a Xmas tree

In some families this is already a tradition. I mean, who actually owns trees anyway? Surely this shouldn’t be allowed. So vive la revolution, don a balaclava and liberate a tree. Come January those expensive excuses for tat hangers loose all their value anyway, so you’re really doing those tree-growing capitalists a favor by relieving them of surplus stock. Throw your chainsaw in the back of the car, put on your most dastardly getaway onesie, and head out to your nearest tree emporium. Start your own tradition now. [Ed: Note – Vada does not condone stealing trees!]

3. Don’t eat a turkey, adopt a turkey

The Xmas turkey is a big dry lump of meat that is probed and prodded for a few days before quietly being slipped into the food bin. An ignoble end for any bird. Imagine how much more fun it would be to adopt one, and gift it to the partner who wanted an ipad? The turkey is a naturally talkative bird, and as such would surely be a star around the Christmas dinner table. Its comedic gabblings would beat your Dad’s tedious stories any day, and with those beady eyes and wobbling neck it’ll make a good substitute for the Queen when it’s speech time. Remember everyone: a turkey’s for life, not just for Christmas!

4. Talk to your grandparents about revolutionary politics

The thing about grandparents is that they are old. This means they will die sooner than the other people you know. This means that you have a limited amount of time in which to talk to them. Grandpa may seem like a jingoistic semi lunatic now, but give him half a chance and I’m sure he’ll amaze you. Even my Grandma recently told me about her amazement that people aren’t rising up in rebellion. Her idea of rebellion is probably the Peasants’ Revolt of 1831, but still, discovering that your Grandma has a similar viewpoint to Russell Brand is a revelation.

5. Take a vow of silence

Xmas causes arguments. Families coming together enviably results in the discovery of forgotten resentment and disappointment. Why not avoid this potentially explosive situation with a vow of silence? Just politely explain to your friends and relatives that this year you will be communicating non-verbally in an effort to spiritually rejuvenate. When your Dad criticizes your lifestyle choices, say nothing. When your sister comes in off her head after a night out, offer first aid, but not judgment. When Uncle Joe starts complaining about those bloody foreigners, offer him the finger.

Mix things up this Xmas and do it different.

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