Oh the Agony!

Sam Johnson
Latest posts by Sam Johnson (see all)

Vada’s Agony Aunt Sam Johnson dishes out this week’s HARD LOVE: Marriage Material, Drag Wannabe & Ex-Stole-My-Money-Bitch.


It seems like everyone in my life is getting married. I’ve been single for a while. I’m dead happy for them, just feel a bit left behind. Where do you find husbands nowadays?!

Do you not think that if I knew that, my column may be a little less pessimistic?

Women’s football clubs?


I want to try drag. It looks so fun! How do you get started? What’s a good drag name?

Buy an ill-fitting, glittery boob tube and perspex platform stilettos.

I’ve done some research (googled drag queen) and there are very few examples of people doing it in a way that isn’t a little bit cringey. Follow @willambelli for an example of it being done properly.

I have no idea what your name could be. According to the dragulator, mine is George Wordsworth and I look like an angry, drunken J-Lo.

Why do you assume that I can answer this? Jesus.

Stick to things I know in future.


This is a bit intense but I don’t know what to do. My ex owes me £900 for rent she didn’t pay when we lived together. She’s out of my life now but she never paid and has ignored a few messages. I don’t want to be too heavy and take her to court or anything, but I need that money! What should I do? 

Have you read Stephen King’s Misery?

Actually, you probably shouldn’t do that.

I know it’s petty and childish (so is ignoring your messages) but ring the bitch’s parents. Explain that you’re trying to track her down to get the money back and to find out if that rash really was herpes.

Failing that, call the police and report her for selling crack to children.

Also, plant crack on her.

About Sam Johnson

Sam - interested in all things brash, tasteless and gold. Doesn't beat around the bush. Doesn't take prisoners. Here to save the world, one gay at a time.