Agony Auditions Highlights

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Vada is pleased to welcome the newly appointed Agony Dreamteam of Bronni Hughes and Sam Johnson to the magazine, as announced here.

However, it doesn’t end there. Receiving over 40 entries, we were taken aback by the heart, fierceness and talent of applications as you responded to the agony scenarios set out here. With enough sass on display to fell a large elephant and with applications underpinned by enough heart to thaw any ice bitch, we could not just leave the talented advice delivered by others to go to waste.

With that in mind, please enjoy our Top 5 Highlights Reel of  entries, featuring the wise words of Chris Smyth, Dan Evans, David Dey, Heather Shaw and Jonathan Moore.

Thank you once again to all those who applied.

Chris Smyth replies to Alex: Laughing at yourself is an incredibly difficult life skill, especially when it’s over something so embarrassing, but it’s the healthiest way to turn shame into joy. Once someone can laugh at their own shame, it’s harder for everyone else to laugh at it. Plus if we don’t, bad things happen. Leonardo di Caprio used the wrong fork at dinner on the Titanic, couldn’t laugh about it, and we all know how that ended. You seem the witty urbane type to me, Alex – I bet when you tossed your cookies all over his worksurface you just KNEW somewhere in the back of your mind that this was a faux pas. Remember – he works in a bar, and sees people who are apocalyptically drunk all the time. Get in touch with him, sooner rather than later, apologise and make a few jokes at your own expense. Of course you’re embarrassed, but if you’re lucky he’ll see the funny side and I’ll be putting this anecdote in my best man speech. Maybe he’s not interested anymore, and that’s alright too. You’ll still have the last word and reclaim some moral high ground. Besides, I wouldn’t want to date someone who couldn’t see the funny side of that. If it doesn’t work out with him, we’ll go for a drink. Not at mine though, I’ve just had the carpets done.

Dan Evans replies to Ben: It sounds to me that you like the kindling of a new fire, I mean, who doesn’t enjoy the warming and inner-fuzzy feeling that a new relationship brings? First dates, second dates, first kisses – all things that carve out a mould of a future partnership. Relationships aren’t something which happen by themselves, however I believe they are also something that shouldn’t be worked too hard, especially in their infancy. You should enjoy spending time together in each other’s company and laugh as you get to discover and get to know the other person on an intimate and intense level. Luckily for you, you seem to have a charm with the boys as you said you don’t have a shortfall of options and find it easy to meet new people. The problem seems that you keep letting yourself fall into the same trap, whether it’s that you get into a relationship too quickly before you’re really ready or after a few months become complacent and the connection between you dwindles in the wind due to the lack of effort from one or both sides. You don’t have to look hard to see failed relationships in the gay community for whatever reason. If I were you, continue as you are, have fun in your life and next time you meet a potential love interest and you are keen to make it a long term thing then take it slow. If it’s meant to be, it will be! Don’t rush the honeymoon period and keep things fresh – trying a few new moves in the bedroom always helps! If you feel you’re exhausted and find yourself in the same situation then the best thing to do is to end it in a positive way, so you’re not giving your partner false love. At the end of the day, the right person is out there somewhere but it just might take some time until you become two peas in a pod and break the cycle.

David Dey replies to Alex:  Dear Horrendously Tragic, Are you familiar with the old adage ‘a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, apart from when it comes from the ransacked stomach lining of a probable bulimic’? It’s one of the most beautiful verses in the Qur’an, but I digress. Anyway, onto business: you ask me if you should apologise. This implies that you haven’t already – and this is pivotal. Did you espouse your undying love in the dying medium of interpretative regurgitation and then make a silent exit? If so, there is a chance he may have understood this whole sorry mishap to be performance art. You must also consider the probability that this enigmatic young man may be an emetophile. This, for the dangerously naïve, is one who finds the act of vomiting arousing, and I hear it’s rapidly establishing itself as a very popular alternative to sex of any kind with members of the WI across the country. If this is so, and your erstwhile defenceless victim is instead a man of the cloth – the cloth, in this case, being the defiled rag he uses to hoover up and douse himself in sick with (to the beat of his own feverish wanking, no less) – then it’s your lucky day. You know, if ‘lucky’ is also synonymous with ‘unspeakable despair’. I must assure you that this happens to the best of us. Gary Glitter was once spontaneously sick as an adult fan undressed before him. How terribly embarrassing! Furthermore, my best friend once threw up onto a strange bedfellow’s little bed fellow during a rambunctious performance of fellatio. I would ask the man in question how he felt in order to assuage your grief – but sadly, my dad is dead now. In short: you’ve ruined everything, including your career. I hope this helps. If not, I wish you all the love in the world as I redirect you here. Yours in Eternal Grief, Blanche.

Heather Shaw replies to Alex: Well plastic surgeons can work wonders nowadays, so maybe you could turn a few tricks, save up your hooker money and use it to buy a new face – preferably one that looks like a young Johnny Depp. Then you can just stroll back into that bar and be all ‘AHOY there sailor, want to walk my plank?’ cause, you know, you’ll have a sexy pirate face. If you don’t fancy selling your butthole for a new face, then I’m afraid my advice gets a little less glamorous. The good news is that you’re already known as ‘sick boy’, so you really can’t sink any lower in his opinion of you, which means you can only go UP at this point. Another silver lining is that your friendship so far has been based online, so you can restart the conversation without any face to face communication. So if you’re willing to pick up the shattered remnants of your soul, you might still have a shot at salvaging this relationship. And without having eye to eye contact, you can say sorry without him having to look at you and have flashbacks of chunks of carrots flying at his face. In my experience of making a tit of myself (and I have A LOT of experience), the best way to go about surviving public humiliation is to try and laugh it off. Start by saying the usual ‘ahoy there sailor’ (pirates are easier to forgive) and then jokingly be like ‘oh I tried to say hi to you the other night before I VOMMED ON YOUR FACE – LOL! Crazy times, am I right?’ If the relationship’s meant to be he’ll find the whole thing funny and the pair of you can use it as a hilarious anecdote in years to come when you’re at awkward dinner parties and people ask how you guys met – #ROMANCE.

Jonathan Moore replies to Andy: Andy Scott-Lee? Is that you? If so, you’re right, no one really does remember 3SL (hideously unimaginative name, by the way.) Don’t fret, as the younger brother of someone who is still clinging to, at least, the D-list you will always have a way in. Launch a cross dressing Steps tribute band? Sell a story on her or date one of her celebrity friends…again? If this is not Andy Scott-Lee, I apologise. I’m sure your years in the industry have taught you a great deal and there is nothing more desperate than someone clinging onto fame with reality show after publicity stunt after relationship with someone equally irrelevant. (Peter Andre, take note.) Find somewhere, presumably behind the camera, where you can put your talents and little black book of contacts to use.If we have learnt anything from ‘The Big Reunion’ it is that, after leaving a band anything is possible, from running a chain of coffee shops to adopting a really irritating Australian accent, the possibilities really are endless. So, keep your chin up and I wish you all the best in your future. On a side note, should you ever regain fame and success and need someone to become the other half of a hot celebrity couple…you know where I am.

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