Agony @ Vada

Sam Johnson
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Vada’s new Agony Uncle Sam Johnson gives out a dose of hard love and advice. This week: Gropey McGrope, Stressed Poof & Long Distance Lover. What would you do?


Whenever we go out on the lash my mate gets too drunk and starts grinding and sort of groping me… Not really feeling it! What would you do?

I can’t tell you what I’d do in all honesty because it’d probably involve getting sticky with your mate and that’d be TMI.

Why does it bother you? When you’re pissed with your friends you shouldn’t have to worry about them writing in to an agony aunt after you touched their arse after one too many bottles of Asti.

Maybe the real reason you’re bothered is because you’re secretly in love with your mate. I don’t know but I suppose I should come up with some bollocks to ‘solve’ your issue.

Kick him or her in the balls/vagina. Simple. NEXT.


My girlfriend’s leaving in a few months when her uni contract is up. I’m scared I’ll lose her for good. Can long distance work? She’s going to be like 6 hours away 🙁

First, I’d like to stop and commend the use of emoticons in your question. Well done.

I do feel for you. It’ll be hard going from eating baked beans with each other every day to spending genuinely special time together once or twice a fortnight.

Ask yourself these questions: is it likely that she’ll move back down? Is it likely that you’ll move up? Is it likely that you’ll both move and meet in the middle? Do you see where I’m going with this?

If the answer to all of those is ‘no’ then I’d probably suggest that you end it before you go through the angst and the mistrust that comes from long term long distance.

On the other hand, if you’re confident that it’s a forever kinda deal (bear in mind that being +/- five years of the age of twenty can screw with your concept of forever) and you don’t mind masturbating over Skype of an evening, then go for it. Good luck.


I’m shitting it over exams. I can’t sleep much and feel so stressed. Don’t feel like anything’s going in. Help!

Let me apologise upfront. My advice may be terrible. I didn’t go to university and spent most of my teenage years buying expensive shoes, giving head and failing GCSE’s. I’ll try my best to dispense something resembling a solution for you.

Tackling the stress is most likely going to make you feel more able to take things in when you’re revising. It’s best to dispel a few myths about stress management first; drink doesn’t work, coffee doesn’t work, cigarettes don’t work. Soz.

I hate to be -that- person, but, exercise? It releases endorphins and lowers adrenaline levels which will instantly help if you’re having a particularly terrible day. It’ll also make you sleep better, which may well be ninety percent of the problem.

Another tip that I’ve picked up from intelligent boys who’ve touched me is to plan your revision wisely. Work out a timetable for the subjects you’re going to cover. A good plan will cut your stress levels because you know what you’re going to be doing and when.

It’s probably going to be easier to cheat though.

About Sam Johnson

Sam - interested in all things brash, tasteless and gold. Doesn't beat around the bush. Doesn't take prisoners. Here to save the world, one gay at a time.