Oh the Agony!

Sam Johnson
Latest posts by Sam Johnson (see all)

Vada’s Agony Aunt, Sam Johnson, dishes out this week’s dose of HARD LOVE: 9 Inches or Go Home, Wedding Gays & Locker Room Lover.


I did the old fashioned thing of meeting a guy at a houseparty. We hit it off, had a date, had a second date. Went great. Then this week’s AGONY. clicked on grindr and his profile said “Bottom boy. 9 Inches or go home.” I’m so confused. He didn’t seem like that at all. Fairplay to him if that’s what he wants, but that’s not the him I know. Do I cut my losses? Is he just looking for a shag?

Congratulations on meeting somebody in a real life social situation that didn’t involve a urinal. A literal first in our community.

I am concerned. No, not concerned. Vaguely troubled by the fact that you seem to think that you’re going out with somebody after two dates. It’s not illegal to stay on Grindr after you’ve had two dates, even if the profile does imply harlotry.

He may well be looking for something resembling a relationship whilst at the same time, something resembling a cucumber. I think you should ask yourself whether the fact that he’s a whore bothers you and if it will stop you thinking seriously about trying to form something with him.

Make sure you ask for a subscription to your local STI clinic for Christmas if you do start seeing him.


I have never properly come out to my dad. There’s a family wedding next week and my cousin has invited me and my bf together. My dad doesn’t know that. He’s still coming to terms with it all. Do I bring the bf along? Feel like I’d be pushing my dad before he’s ready. Or do I leave it for now?

Again with ‘bf.’ We’re not 14 anymore, gents.

Next week? Why didn’t you ask 6 months ago when I would’ve told you to introduce him to your dad on neutral ground as a ‘friend?’ Your dad would’ve known deep down that he was your ‘bf’ and probably not said anything about it, then when the wedding came around, he would’ve assumed he was coming.

You can’t not take your parter because he’ll be annoyed and you won’t get sex. Your dad will no doubt be upset that you haven’t told him beforehand if you do take him. No-win situation.

Your only choice, seeing as it’s such short notice, is to wear a pair of pink leather hot-pants when you next see your dad so that he gets the picture rapidly but still BEFORE the wedding.



This is such a cliche I know, but I play for a football team and this girl is the hottest thing ever. Do I risk making a move? We have an unwritten rule where we don’t crap on our doorsteps and don’t shag around the team, but she’s just so me. Should I try it?

Where is the girl from last week? See? Women’s football clubs are where you meet women.

Why do you think that you have to make some kind of ‘move’ like a peacock to entice a partner? Just get to know the girl. Take her to Nando’s. Do the things that girls who like girls like doing together.

Some unspoken rule amongst a football team isn’t going to stop it if it’s meant to be.

About Sam Johnson

Sam - interested in all things brash, tasteless and gold. Doesn't beat around the bush. Doesn't take prisoners. Here to save the world, one gay at a time.